Page 33 of Saving Tracey
I convinced myself that it was for the best. I didn't want him to get close to me. He deserved someone so much better than me.
What could I possibly offer him?
He had college ahead of him. Even if he had been abused, he was better than me. He was able to get past what happened to him.
I wasn't able to do that.
I wasn’t strong like him.
I was stuck in the past. I couldn't move forward. I was stuck in the darkness.
I wouldn’t, couldn’t, refused to drag him into it with me.
Trevor was light. He shined bright.
I was the complete opposite.
"Tracey, we're all going to the movies. Do you want to go?"
I looked up at Kaleb, where he leaned against my doorjamb. I wanted to go, but I knew Trevor would be there. So, I couldn't go.
I had to stay away from him because, for whatever reason, I was drawn to him; I found comfort and strength in him, and I couldn’t allow myself to want that.
I just shook my head at him. "I think I'll pass.” I turned my attention back to the muted television.
Kaleb sighed softly and entered my room, sitting on my bed. "Are you okay?"
Was I okay?
I really didn't know anymore these days. I just felt empty, dead, lost.
I just shrugged at him. Kaleb reached forward slowly and tucked my hair behind my ear. I flinched away from him, forcing myself to ignore the hurt look on his face when he dropped his hand back to his lap. "You know I'm here for you, right? If you need someone to talk to, or just a shoulder to lean on, I'm here. Don't ever think that you're alone."
I bit my lip and looked away from him. Kaleb was a good friend, but I couldn't allow him too close either.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. Kaleb sighed and plucked at my hoodie sleeve. "It's almost a suffocating temperature in this house and you're wearing a hoodie and jeans? You aren't hot?"
I shook my head, looking at what he was wearing. He had on khaki shorts and a white V-neck t-shirt with Nike shocks. I knew it was hot, but I couldn't bring myself to wear anything that exposed my secrets, my scars.
I was blemished. I was damaged on the inside and out.
He already knew some of what was inside.
I could still hold the secrets of what was on the outside.
"I'm fine. Go watch the movie. I'm fine at home." I really just wanted to be left alone.
He blew out a soft breath and got up from the bed. "Trevor isn't going, just so you know."
Kaleb knew I had been avoiding him. He had asked a couple of days ago why I didn't come out to playCall of Dutywith them anymore, and why I always hid in my room with the door locked when Trevor was around.
I had told him that I wasn't comfortable around Trevor.
I didn't know if he had told Trevor that I said that or not, but it was a lie. I was more than comfortable around Trevor. I felt safe with him. He made me feel like everything could be okay in my life. Trevor made me see that silver lining.
Trevor was the only color in my black-and-white world.
I still just shook my head at Kaleb. I wouldn't risk him trying to force us to be around each other.
