Page 15 of Forbidden Billionaires: Vol. 9
Ash nodded approvingly. “Are we going with a Claymore to take her out while she’s skiing? Or are you thinking a classic anti-tank mine?”
“Yes, yes,” replied Slavanka.
So both, then?“I’m loving this energy, but Home Alone is really more about using household items rather than military grade explosives. So try to think about things you’d have at a ski resort.”
“Okay.” Slavanka pointed to one of the guest rooms on the map. “Tie bear to bedpost.” Then she moved her finger to the bathroom. “Make hot tub into waterboard.” And then outside to the slopes. “Sharpen skis on rock and put at bottom of pitfall trap.”
“The ground might be too frozen to dig a hole.”
Slavanka pointed to the snowmobile rental garage. “Car bomb in snowmobile.”
“Yes! Amazing!” said Ash.
Annnnd we’re back to the explosives.But Daddy did always have some car bombs in storage for a rainy day, so I drew one on the map by the snowmobiles. Although I couldn’t exactly call Daddy and tell him to meet me at the resort with a car bomb. Then he’d know I was coming. We needed to focus on things that we’d be bringing ourselves. Like…
“How about we hide a dildo on the ski slopes?” I suggested. “Hit one of those going fifty miles per hour and you could easily break your ankle.”
“Nice one,” said Rosalie as I drew a twelve-incher near the bottom of the main slope. “We could also lube up the lobby floors.”
I drew a bottle of lube spilling all over the lobby.
“Hairspray blowtorch,” said Slavanka.
“Oh!” said Ash. “I love that. Also, I have an idea! We could sharpen all our heels and hide them in Isabella’s mattress. When she lies down…” Ash grabbed a Christmas cookie and smashed it down on her finger, presumably trying to show what would happen to Isabella when she lay down on her stiletto bed. But instead she just jammed her finger. “Ow.”
“That give me idea,” said Slavanka. “We drop safe off balcony. Isabella go smoosh like Ash’s finger.”
“This isn’t a motel,” I said. “The safes are all built into the walls.”
“What if we rig a series of hairdryers to the gutters so that they melt the tops of icicles and make them fall and impale her?”suggested Ash. “Or better yet, let’s put a tripwire at the bottom of the stairs and when Isabella hits it, one of those luggage carts will fall down the stairs and push her into the hot tub.”
“Where we waterboard,” added Slavanka.
Ash nodded. “Or we could turn the water temperature up to 200 degrees. Boil that bitch alive!”
I laughed and drew as fast as I could. Ash was really getting into this.
“Wait!” yelled Ash. “I have it. The ultimate trap.” She grabbed the sharpie out of my hand and started drawing.
Huh?I tilted my head to see if that would help make her vision clear. But it didn’t. Slavanka and Rosalie looked equally confused.
“We’re going to surprise her with an extraordinarily hairy penis?” Seriously, why was it so hairy? A little hair at the base would have been fine, but the entire dick she’d drawn was covered in long, straight hairs sticking straight out from base to tip.
“No,” she said as she drew another one. And another.
“Lots of hairy dicks then?” I asked.
“No! Centipedes! Centipedes everywhere!” Ash shivered as she said it. And then her face went pale. “Wait. How are we gonna prevent them from getting us too?!” She furiously crossed them all out on the map.
“We stand on chair,” said Slavanka.
I nodded. “That’s actually a pretty great solution. But you do bring up a good point, Ash. If this was a true Home Alone situation and it was just us against Isabella, these ideas would all be dynamite. But there are going to be tons of people there. It would be super easy for an innocent civilian to get caught in any of these traps. And killing the troops there would be a big no-no.” I tore the map off the rest of the roll and tossed it into the trash. Or maybe it was the mail bin? Ghostie and Teddybear had put so many decorations everywhere that it was impossible to tell the difference.
“Troops?” asked Ash.
“Yeah,” I said. “This resort is near an American military base in Germany. So it’s always been a popular place for them to go for R&R. But itreallygot popular a few years back when someone started a rumor that sexy elves deliver presents to troops staying there. And if the troops catch the sexy elves, they get to do sexy things to them. It was me. I started the rumor.”
“Could we get the troops to protect us?” asked Ash. “We could dress up like the sexy elves and…”
