Page 73 of This Vicious Hunger
“Are you kidding me? You said you’dkill yourselfif you had to keep living this way, knowing full well I was trying to save you. How do you think that made me feel? Have you got any idea how manipulative that is?”
“That was never meant to be a threat. I was trying to be honest. I couldn’t take it any more, all the lonely hours and days. But then the universe intervened and now you’re here with me. So why can’t we stay?”
I fold my arms across my chest. “So you got what you wanted, then. You gotmewhere you wanted. You never wanted to leave, did you? Or is it simply Petaccia’s thoughts speaking over your own again?”
“How can you be so cruel?” Olea blinks back tears. “You know it’s not that simple. I never wanted you to sacrifice anything; I just wanted you with me. Iwantedyou in every way I could have you. I thought you wanted the same thing. You certainly kissed me like you did.”
“I’m not being cruel; I’m making a statement of fact. You wanted somebody to come and be with you in the garden, since you can’t leave, and now that I’m stuck here I’m sure you’ll be perfectly happy to go about your life as you always have. I can’t understand why you’re so content to just go on as normal!”
“Why can’t we?” Olea begs. “Is it really such an awful life? There’s nobody to bother us. You don’t have to worry about money, or finding some replacement husband with your silly friend—”
“You think that’s what I was doing?” I bark. “I told you Leo is myfriend.”Was my friend, I remind myself.
“You sureseemfriendly with him,” Olea says. “The way you went on and on about how much he mistrusted me, and how much losing his wife ruined his goddamn life. People don’t have friends like that. You must have been looking for some kind of security, a backup plan, even if you didn’t know it. That’s your problem, Thora—you’ve always one foot out the door.”
“A backup plan,” I repeat coldly.
“Well, it’s hard to imagine you wanting to fuck him.”
Heat rises in my cheeks, but it’s a mixture of anger and something else, something like lust. “What, like I want to fuck you?”
Olea is inches from my face. I can smell her, the mixture of sweat and rose oil, and the bitter scent that is so intrinsicallyher. She’s right, though. It’s all I want. It’s all I’ve wanted since the moment we met. And, god, it’s probably half the reason we’re in this godforsaken mess.
“You can pretend you’re over the feelings between us,” Olea says. “Deny it all you want. It’s not my job to convince you to love me. I’m just saying that this life doesn’t have to be as awful as you imagine it. You have the whole garden. People have livedmany lives in spaces much smaller than this. We have food, we have books. Florencia will get us whatever we want as long as we help her out with the research. And you can do your own research too! Whatever you want to do, whatever you want to learn.”
“You’ve lived like this your whole life, but I haven’t. Excuse me for having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never be able to leave without posing a risk to other people. I won’t be able to travel, to see new things. How will I be able to continue my research, or do any of the things I wanted?”
“Were you planning to do all those things anyway? When you arrived here you told me that learning, the university, was your dream. You’re still here. That hasn’t changed. Why can’t you be content with this life, just for a little while? We can find a way around this, I promise. We just have to give it time. That’s why I’m asking you not to go marching off like you’re going to war—you don’t even know what you’re planning.”
“I swore I would never allow myself to be put in a cage again,” I argue, frustration making my voice ropy. It hurts that she’s right but that she doesn’t understand why I can’t just roll over and accept this. “First it was my father and his sepulchre, and then my goddamn husband. This place, learning, wasmydream, but it was never just about learning either. It was about the freedom—”
“You can still be free.” Olea tentatively places her hand under my chin. She holds it, her grip surprisingly firm, so I can look nowhere except her soulful eyes. “In here… we can be ourselves. You felt that before, when you kissed me.”
“This isn’t just about our pleasure any more.”
“Why not?” Olea demands. “Are you telling me things are truly better out there? A world with husbands and duty and social graces? The same world you’ve been running from?”
“You don’t understand,” I growl. “You’ve never been out there.”
“I know enough to know that what we have wouldneverbe allowed out there. Clara said—”
I rip my chin from Olea’s grasp and turn back to the gate. Olea is right. My father couldn’t stand the idea that I didn’t want to marry, and Aurelio was disgusted by me. Leo can’t even stand himself. But are acceptance and love, if they only exist in a cage, good enough?
“This isn’t about our pleasure,” I say again, firmer. If I say it enough times, maybe it will sink in—and maybe it will assuage the flicker of acknowledgement inside me. “Don’t you dare bring Clara into this. If it wasn’t for you she’d probably still be alive, and I wouldn’t be here.”
“I’m just trying to say that the garden isn’t your enemy…”
Olea trails off as I stop. My heart sinks.
“What?”
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” I say. “I’m not going to leave.”
“Really?” Olea’s hopefulness is an icy spear through my heart. I turn on her, a snarl on my lips.
“I can’t go even if I want to. The gate is locked. She’s padlocked it from the outside.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
