Page 135 of The Good Vampire's Guide to Blood & Boyfriends
“It’s true! I can’t help it!”
“Stop flirting and start groveling.”
“Yes, sir,” Brennan said. “Sit down, then, get comfortable.”
Brennan grabbed the envelope while Cole settled in the nest of blankets, glancing around, still slightly pink. Brennan extended the envelope to Cole but Cole hesitated, then said, “Read it to me?”
Brennan’s heart picked up with a mix of anxiety and the thrill of Cole being in his presence again. He nodded, then fumbled to open the envelope and unfold the papers that had been ripped out of his notebook. Clearing his throat, he scanned the first few lines of the letter.
“Actually,” he said, “this is kind of mortifying. Do I have to read it out loud?”
“Yes.”
Brennan laughed despite himself, rubbed the back of his neck, and paced, trying to center himself. Eventually he sat down across from Cole on the floor, crossing his legs, letter in his lap.
“Okay.”
Brennan steeled himself, then allowed himself to be vulnerable.
“My brain likes to make trouble when I think too much,” Brennan read. “All the what-ifs and maybes and questions and rabbit holes and ways something could possibly go wrong. So when I’m trying to understand something, I try to think about what I know to be true. The facts.”
Brennan kept his eyes on his carefully inked words. “Things I know about Cole McNamara: Cole is the legendary campus cryptid, the Cute Library Blanket Guy. Cole knows almost everyone on campus, including faculty and staff, and everyone knows and loves Cole. Cole is a coffee-loving, record-playing, ‘you’ve probably never heard of it’ hipster. All this to say, Cole is kind. Cole cares about other people. Sometimes more than himself.
“Things I know about myself: I’m a nobody with no friends because I push people away, and I gave up on being anything special. But, also, I’m a literal vampire. I’m an anxious, overthinking, self-destructive mess. It never made sense to me why you liked me.
“I hurt you. I’ve hurt the people close to me before. I don’t—I don’t mean to, but it happens. It’s not fair, and I’d love to blame it on mental illness, but that’s not an excuse because these were decisions I made.
“I thought if I worked hard enough I could handle it on my own. I thought you were way too good for me and everything I did wrong or every weird vampire thing that came up was another reason for you to realize I’m too much. Or not enough.
“But I know that you get enough protectiveness from Mari, enough people telling you what to do and how you feel from your parents. I was so worried about not fucking things up that I made everything worse.
“I want to be better. I want you to know that you have me, all of me, if you want. I mean, I understand if your feelings changed. We haven’t talked since—well.
“But. I also know that, without me, you’ll never read a word of poetry outside of Rupi Kaur, and Ican’tallow that. I know that you laugh seventy percent more when you’re with me than with others, because I kepta tally for a full week. I know that the noise in my head goes quiet when I’m with you.
“So… this is everything.” He gestured to the box of pamphlets, his journal. “All my research, all my notes and ramblings, all of Nellie’s pamphlets and brochures. Everything you could possibly want to know about vampirism. And, um, you can ask me anything. About any of it. About me. In case you didn’t feel like you could before. Assuming you still want anything to do with me.”
Brennan finally forced his eyes from his letter to take in Cole’s reaction. Cole’s eyes were round as he chewed on his lower lip.
“Is that the end?” Cole asked.
“Yeah.”
Cole surged up from his seat to his knees and leaned across the space between them, and then kissed Brennan so hard they nearly toppled back onto the blanketed floor. Brennan caught Cole the best he could and kissed back like his life depended on it, the weight of Cole’s body a comfort, the press of his lips intoxicating.
“Full marks,” Cole said. “Apology accepted.”
Brennan pulled Cole back to him by the back of the neck, and Brennan melted into him for a moment before the other things he needed to ask nudged at his brain.
He pulled back. “Have you heard from your parents? Are you okay? Everything happened so fast afterward…”
“Yeah. I’m okay. I’ve been ignoring their calls, actually.”
“Yeah?”
“It’s kinda funny. For so long, I couldn’t stand disappointing them. But fuck that!I’mdisappointed inthem.I think I’m gonna quit the internship and come back to the library, if they’ll have me. I’m done doing whattheywant. I’m doing whatIwant.”
Cole’s eyes shone and his chin jutted out and Brennan couldn’t have been more proud of the boy he was in love with. “You’re amazing,” Brennan said. “I hope they come around.”
