Page 119 of The Moon's Fury
She was sobbing now, shaking her head, and he pulled her against him. “I’m sorry, Zarian,” she choked out, his solid chest muffling her apology. “The anger … it made things easier. The rage numbed me. And before, the physical outlet helped me forget, but your tenderness afterward…” Her voice cracked. “I didn’t want to feel it. I didn’t want to feelanything.” She clutched at him like a drowning woman.
“I hurt you,” she gasped. “I hurt you, and I’ll never forgive myself. But I swear, never again, I will never do that again. Fuck, I’ve just been so angry. It feltgoodto be angry, because if I letgo of that rage, I think the grief will tear me open and there’ll be nothing left.
“There’s this painful, poisonous ball inside. And it wants to unravel, but if it does, I think I’ll die. My mother. My sister,” she sobbed, her tears tracing wet paths down her cheeks. “So I push it down. And whenever the tendrils of grief try to escape, I strangle them with rage until they lie still.”
“Soraya is safe, Layna. Jamil would die before he let anything happen to her. And I left word in Sendouk that’d we’d head to Thessan. We’ll see them soon.”
“She doesn’t evenknow, Zarian. Soraya doesn’t even know that Mama is gone.Iwill have to tell her when I see her again. If ever. It’s going to destroy her.” Her voice cracked, and a fresh stream of tears fell anew.
“And my powers,” she rasped. “I’m so fucking angry. I never wanted them. In the beginning, I hated them, I hated being feared by my people. My mother. Ebrahim. But now that they’re gone … it feels like a punishment. Because…” She sucked in a shaky breath, afraid to speak the words and make them true. “Because I grew tolovethem. The light made me powerful. I could protect myself, protectyou. And the healing, Zarian. Moons, I feel so useless not being able to heal your wounds. I just want them back,” she whispered.
Then louder, “I want my lightback.”
“You are more than the light, my love.” Zarian finally spoke, having let her ease her burdens in silence. He cradled her face in his calloused hands, beautiful hazel eyes fixed on hers.
She saw only love.
“I fell in love withyoulong before the eclipse. You’re the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins, the marrow in my bones. I wasn’t lying when I said you’d never be rid of me now. If you never wield your light again, I will love you all the same. I don’t care if you can’t heal my wounds, because just your touchmakes me forget any pain I’ve ever endured.” He pressed his forehead to hers. “Butyoucare. So we’ll get to Thessan, and we’ll get your light back. Even if we need another eclipse to do it, we’ll find a way. Together. We’ll find Soraya and Jamil, and we’ll burn the sacred fucking Oasis to the ground.” She gasped, eyes wide. “Well,you’lldo the burning. But I’ll help.”
Her chin quivered, heart nearly bursting at the seams. Moons, to feel so much at once after smothering her feelings was painful. She pursed her lips, determined to fight the tears, but Zarian rubbed her back and held her tighter as if to say,It’s all right. Let it out. I’ve got you.
So she did.
She sobbed and sobbed into his chest, releasing all the grief she’d kept tucked inside. “It hurts, Zarian,” she cried. “Ihurt.”
“I know, love,” he whispered against her forehead. “I know.”
48
WhendawnfoundLaynathe next morning, wrapped in Zarian’s arms under their blanket, something had shifted inside her. The grief was still there, winding around every nerve, searching for fissures to burrow in. But she also felt a lightness she hadn’t in weeks.
She wouldn’t let her fury win today.
She rolled over to face Zarian. Warm, hazel eyes watched her closely. His lips curled into a tentative smile, and she met it with her own. Zarian breathed a relieved sigh, as if that had been the first time she’d smiled at him in days.
It might have been, and the thought made her heart clench.
He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, then her nose, before capturing her lips. His fingers traced languid strokes down her spine, venturing lower with each pass, sending pleasant shivers cascading through her.
Suddenly, she gasped and bolted upright, thick blanket falling to her waist.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting up beside her.
“I forgot to drink the tea yesterday,” she breathed. She’d been so consumed with making things right with him that it had completely slipped her mind at dinner.
He rested his chin on her shoulder, face scrunched in concentration, likely counting the number of hours that had passed.
“We should be fine,” he reassured after a few painstaking moments of calculation. “I’ll make a cup for you now. Drink another in a few hours just to be safe.” He brushed a kiss to her forehead before rising to start on her tea.
Moons, she had been so stupid.
She had been religious about drinking the tea.What if it was too late?With the Medjai hunting them, they had never even discussed the possibility of a child these past few months.
She watched Zarian as he prepared her tea—he’d be an incredible father, she knew this in her soul. But did he evenwantchildren? She wasn’t sure ifshedid.
Briefly, she let herself imagine it.
Soraya would be a doting, loving aunt. Layna could picture her sister now, chasing after a chubby toddler with hazel eyes and inky, black curls down a torchlit hallway; Soraya sitting cross-legged in her greenhouse, teaching her niece or nephew aboutmotchuplantandzuhur.
