Page 244 of Scorching the Alien Empire
Rude. Bitch.
My nails dig into my palms, restraint slipping by the second. I amone fruity insultaway from slapping the pineapple right off their stupid heads.
“This is theWar Chieftainess,for void’s sake,” Surfer Bro snaps, gesturing at me like I’m a priceless vase he’s trying not to drop. “And call meChieftain.It’s hard enough convincing the others when my own Mortakin-Kis forget.”
Wait. Mortakin-Kis? These two?
No way these coconut-headed concubines have divine powers. Unless the Gods are handing them out like participation trophies.
“Apologies,Chieftain,” they purr in eerie stereo. Then they slither over and drape themselves across him—one on each side—wrapping him like sentient scarves made of bad decisions and venereal diseases.
“We’re Chieftainess too,” the blue-scaled one croons, massaging his shoulder while staring at me with unreadable alien eyes. “Did you come towatch?” She barks out a husky laugh like a choking blender.
“No, we’ve just eaten,” I snap, stroking the softly snoring chunkiness that is Todd.
“We can see that!” the green-scaled woman retorts, flashing teeth. The pair burst into mean-spirited laughter, like it’s a comedy club and I’m tonight’s roast.
Absolute bitches.
“Charming company,” I hiss through a smile so fake it could freeze-dry a volcano. “Though I admit, I expected more...tastefrom Mortakin-Kis.”
“You sound like that old blowhard, Borrthak,” Surfer Bro snorts, squeezing his scaly arm candy tighter. “He’s always ranting about sacred traditions—wanting meremoved,like he speaks for Clan Aquaxus.” He shrugs, jostling their petite breasts like stress balls. “What’s the harm? It’s just a bit of fun. Like you and the War Chieftain. A fertility ritual. Forstrength.”
He laughs.
I blink.
I’mfullyon Team Big Belly with this one.
“This is Elera,” he says, nodding to the green one. “And this little venefex is Umi.” He pulls Blue-Pineapple’s head closer. They squeal like it’s sexy, but it sounds more like a hostage video filmed in a spa.
“Get it?” he beams. “Elera + Umi = Elerium.Most precious thing in the universe to me.”
Ugh. Should be Pine and Apple. With him as Head Idiot.
“Aww,” Elera purrs.
“I love when you say that, Voryx—I mean, Chieftain,” Umi giggles, catching herself with all the grace of a falling barstool.
I sigh. “Oh.Well.Who am I to interrupt a sacredbonkening.”
The sinking feeling hits low and deep, dragging my confidence down to my boots.
“But you’re wrong about Dracoth and me,” I add, voice slipping into something smooth and sharp.
“We actuallycompletedthe Mortakin-Tok. Not like you fakers.”
I shoot the girls a knowing look. Enjoy the mind bomb, ladies.
Surfer Bro stiffens like someone just handed him a stack of parking fines from every quadrant south of the Milky Way. “No. That’s not—”
“Oh, it is,” I interrupt sweetly. My voice drops low. “Where do you think our powers come from? The fire that burns on my chest?” I stroke the rune gently, feeling it flare beneath my touch. “They’re gifts.From the Gods.”
I smile like sugar and knives. “Ladies... if you don’t mind, the War Chieftainess needs a moment alone with the Surfer Supreme.”
Neither moves.
I lean in slightly, my voice velvet, edged with glass. “Somewhere out there... a pizza desperately needs some pineapple. That wasn’t a suggestion.”
