Page 18 of Die for You
That’s all.
No further instructions.
It seems I can only outrun my past for so long.
The silence was nice while it lasted.
I barely slept because every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was that address. I gave up on sleeping and decided to go for my morning run. Halfway through, however, I turned back because my legs felt heavy, and I wanted to throw up again.
Once upon a time, I enjoyed the silence, but now, it grates on my nerves.
I really could use Google Maps right now because I have no idea where I’m supposed to meet whoever I’m meeting at the provided address. The meeting is tonight at eight o’clock.
My serenity is long gone, and my stomach is in constant knots. My hand trembles as I fill a glass with water from the tap.
What is this response I’m experiencing?
I’ve not been taught to feel, and now it seems as though all those repressed feelings are bursting at the seams. Has everything I’ve done, everything I’ve experienced, finally caught up to me?
I feel Father Merry’s mouth and his hands all over me.
I see my mother’s terrified face when she saw me. She saw me as nothing but a monster.
But at the forefront, I remember saying goodbye to the man I love with every beat of my heart.
I’m so fucking broken, and I don’t think I’ll ever be healed. I’m merely holding on to pieces of myself in hopes that I don’t fade away.
Nausea tackles me once more, and I race to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth, only just making it in time. I heave and heave, hoping to dispel some of this bitterness within. But it only burns.
Tears cascade down my cheeks as I slam my fists against the toilet bowl, screaming in agony.
My head and heart battle against each other because I don’t want to feel; I’ve been taught not to. But my heart has ruptured, and each memory tears at my core.
“Don’t care whether you live or die? Think of this moment whenever you fool yourself into thinking that is true.”
Memories of Lenny holding me underwater assault me, and I finally understand the lesson he wished for me to learn. I had switched my emotions off for so long, and now the switch has been flicked, and I can’t turn it back off.
“I hate you.”
“No,tesoro mio, you hate yourself that you don’t.”
I sob uncontrollably, allowing myself to grieve for the first time in my life. I cry a lifetime of tears because this is the only way to move forward.
I purge myself until nothing is left to give, and only when my tears dry do I lift my head from the toilet bowl.
My throat and stomach are raw, but I feel better.
I will never be healed from what I’ve experienced, but I must say goodbye to the old Valentina because I am no longer that person.
What my future holds, I do not know.
What I do know is that I am stronger than the things that tried to beat me. I have the scars to prove it. I need to let go of who I was and who I loved and embrace this new life. I’ve been given a second chance. This is my new home.
This is the new me.
Flushing the toilet, I wearily stand and look at myself in the mirror. I vow to my reflection that from this day forward, I’ll never forget who I am and the power I hold.
I am Valentina Ricci.
