Page 98 of Love Medley
Does it even matter?
My heart is hers for the taking, even if she leaves it behind.
Chapter thirty-two
Lucy
After that call with my mom, I’ve been finding excuses for why Jake and I won’t work out. My parents’ disapproval is at the top of this list, because that’s an insurmountable obstacle. But also—while Weston hasn’t been bothering me recently, part of me knows he’s not gone forever. And even when he’s not physically around, I'm still getting over the trauma of being with him.
And Jake?
He deserves the world. Someone who isn’t holding back. Who's alreadywhole.
A small voice inside me whispers that Jake couldn’t possibly want to stick around with all these barriers. Sooner or later, he’d get tired of my impulsive nature—the way it gets me into trouble, the way it could drag him down too. Eventually, he’d see it: I’m a liability.
I mean, everything else in my life started off just fine until I somehow screwed it up.
How will this be any different?
Sorrow pierces through me when I realize I’m starting to erect walls around myself to prepare for the inevitable heartbreak.
I’ve been reassembling myself from the ground up. What will happen if I lose him?
Will I lose myself again too?
How can I be with anyone when I can’t even be sure that my sense of self is solid enough to weather all of these storms?
I’m not Zoe with her core of confidence. I’m not Amelia with her calm rational logic. I’m not Isabelle with her unshakeable optimism.
I’m me.
And I’m a total disaster.
It takes everything in me to pack up these feelings and set them aside when Jake picks me up to hang out with his friends. Apparently, the surprise outing Jake has set up for me and his friends is to this place called Kickin’ Karaoke. As far as surprises go, I’m not sure this is a good one because I don’t sing in public, which Jake knows.
Has he not been listening after all?
The knowledge that I was wrong about him—that maybe he doesn’t see me as clearly as I thought—slams into me harder than a tidal wave.
This just solidifies what I was worried about all along.
My mom was right. I’m not the best at thinking clearly when I make decisions. I jump before I look. And I keep doing it over and over. I never learn.
Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Repeating the same mistake and expecting a different result?
That’s me to a tee.
I thought Jake was different, so I took a leap of faith on him. I should have known better. But when have any of my decisions ever panned out? After Weston, I should’ve realized—I can’t trust myself.
Maybe it’s for the best—my mom would never approve of Jake anyway. Even though my heart twists painfully, I tell myself it’s better that I know this now.
Jake seems to know something’s going on, and he squeezes my hand as we enter the building. “It’ll be better than you think, I promise,” he says, but worry threads through his voice.
On stage, some woman is warbling off-key, swaying in front of a microphone, singing “All By Myself.” Iwishshe were all by herself somewhere else—my ears would thank her. I wince as she belts out a particularly brutal note. Would it be rude to cover my ears?
I hate this.
And after a beat, I realize the lyrics hit a little too close to home. Before Jake, I didn’t even know how emotionally cut off I was. Andnow that I've found him, the devastation of possibly losing him in the same breath knocks the wind out of me.
