Page 108 of Love Medley
This isn’t how I feel, but the words just fly out of my mouth. I’m backpedalling, I know, but all I want to do is flee. I don’t want to have this conversation, not now, not ever.
“Lucy…this is more than just passing time to me. You mean everything…God, I’m an idiot. Your mom doesn’t approve, does she?”
“Maybe she just wants me to take a step back before starting a new relationship,” I manage to grit out.
Jake closes his eyes. “And what doyouwant?”
The tight band that has been squeezing my skull since the Zoom call is making it hard to think. I wish Jake would stop asking me questions I don’t want to answer.
These are things I hoped I’d never have to say. Because saying them out loud makes them real. “I don’tknow, Jake. I think Ialways knew my parents wouldn’t want me to date you, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go against them.”
But I do know. I'm not.
And that’s why Jake’s last relationship failed, that irritating voice in my head reminds me.
If Sam were in my situation, I’m pretty sure that she would have just done whatever she could to mollify her parents. That was kind of the death knell of our relationship.
“It’s because I’m a nurse, isn’t it?” He’s not angry, just resigned, and that may be even worse.
I hate that Jake feels that way about himself. But I’m unable to tell him otherwise because yes, my parents hate that he’s a nurse. “That and because Weston was a surgeon. My parents were really impressed with him.” Why did I say that? Am Itryingto push Jake away?
The truth hits me like a sledgehammer. That’s exactly what I’m doing.
His face crumples under the weight of my words, and I hate myself for making him look that way. “I really don’t want to lose you, Lucy.”
For some reason, Jake’s sweet plea is what unleashes the torrent of words I’ve been holding at bay. “I’m not like you. I can’t go against my parents the way you have with yours; the last thing my parents need is to worry about who I’m dating. Peter is a lot to handle, and I need to help out more. After all, I’m the one responsible for him, and I haven’t been focused on him because of everything going on.”
“Why do you think you’re responsible for your brother? I don’t understand!” Jake’s voice rises in confusion.
“Because I’m the reason he’s the way he is!” I yell, my temper finally snapping, all my frustration and rage and sorrow and disappointment boiling over at last.
Silence.
Then Jake asks, “What do you mean?”
Tears fill my eyes. “When I was fourteen and Peter was seventeen, I wanted to go to a concert. My parents had already said no, but they were gone on a trip and left Peter in charge. I thought my brother was the perfect solution to my dilemma—he could take me to the concert without my parents ever knowing I went against their wishes. I kept hounding him until he gave in.”
I pause, gulping, the memories inundating me. “Peter must have had a few drinks during the concert to soothe his nerves. He was so anxious that my parents would call us or come home early. They’ve always been so hard on him. We…got in a car crash.” My voice starts to shake. “That was his first DUI. My parents never forgave him, even though it was my fault. And he’s spiraled out of control ever since—flunking out of school, constantly in and out of rehab. So yeah, I’m responsible.”
“Oh, Lucy, you were just a kid.” Jake reaches out to touch me, but I flinch and pull away. I ignore the hurt look on his face, resenting that he’s downplaying my obvious role in my brother’s ruined life.
“I’m not an idiot. I knew what it meant to drag my brother out to that concert. This is what happens when I go against theirwishes. My parents get more stressed, and everything becomes worse. I can’t do that again.”
“But what doyouwant, Lucy? Do you believe I’m not good enough? If I’m holding you back, I’ll let you go, even if all I want to do is stay.”
“Don’t you get it? Haven’t you been listening? It doesn’t matter what I want!” I shout, the tether holding me together impossibly thin.
Jake’s voice is deathly quiet. “What are you saying, Lucy?”
Why does everyone want something from me? Why won’t everyone just leave me alone? The irony is that I can't even drift anymore because there are too many people yanking me left and right in opposing directions. The pressure in my head is so fierce that I’m seeing stars. And then all at once, my last vestige of calm snaps, and I’m a hurricane of grief and regret.
“I’m saying this relationship was a bad decision too, just like all my decisions are! We should have just stuck with the fake dating!”
In the stillness that follows, my heart splits in two.
“Maybe I should go,” Jake says, his face white.
“I think you should too,” I say, hardly believing these words are coming from me.
