Page 94 of Love Medley
Why did I think I was free to direct my own life?
Apparently, that was only a beautiful illusion.
And if my mom is stuck on my getting back together with Weston, how does my new relationship with Jake even stand a chance? With a sinking sensation in my gut, I realize the likelihood of her approving my being with Jake is close to nil.
And if that’s the case, would I have the strength to directly go against her wishes?
I never have before, and I don’t see it happening any time soon.
Then I start spiraling because that’s not my only issue. My mom’s right—I don’t have the greatest track record when it comes to decisions. Peter. Weston. The accident. Every time I trusted myself, someone got hurt. What if I’m wrong again? What if I’m wrong about Jake?
How can I ever trust myself to choose the right person for myself when the one time I did it, I failed miserably?
And God, what does all of this mean for me and Jake?
But I don’t have time to ponder this any more because I have my meeting with Dr. Simons.
Dr. Simons’ office is clean and organized, with several bookshelves against the walls, which appeals to my inner neat freak. I’d like to have a corner office like she does one day—the windows on two sides remind me of how I relish light in my personal space. There’s a small round table in the center of the room, and she’s sitting in one of the chairs. She rises to shake my hand.
“Thanks for meeting with me,” I say, as we both take a seat at the table. I pull out a notebook and pen. My head is pounding from the conversation with my mom, but I try to focus the best I can.
I’ve done this before. Just shut down all my feelings and put them in a box.
Only think about work and getting through the day.
“Of course,” Dr. Simons says. “I’m very excited about this project you proposed.”
“When I sent you that first email, I didn’t realize I would have to start the project from scratch,” I admit. “It’s a bit intimidating.”
“I know,” Dr. Simons says. “But I’ll guide you through everything. First, you need to do some ethics training for patient-oriented research, which will take you a little while. Second, you need to do some literature searches to narrow down your scope. Third, we need to apply for an IRB.”
“What’s an IRB?” I ask.
“An IRB is an Institutional Review Board that makes sure we aren’t infringing on patients’ rights, and we aren’t taking advantage of them. We also need to get consent from the patients for them to be put in the study. We’ll inform participants about the study and what their role is.”
I vaguely remember the term now from an ethics course during our first year. “Okay. Do I need to decide now?”
“That’s a good question. A project of this magnitude will require quite a bit of time, so that should go into your decision. If you want to proceed, you should free up some space in the second half of the year so you can work solelyon this. Of course, I’ll be happy to sign off on any schedule changes. Would that be something you would be open to?”
I think about it. “I’ll be interviewing for residency in the middle of the year.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem. Before we begin enrolling patients, all your work will be online, so you can work from anywhere.”
“I’ve already looked up some studies on Pubmed,” I say.
Dr. Simons smiles. “Great. What did you find out?”
“While there isn’t really anything on the adult side, I found some studies on child abuse. There was a validated screen created a couple of years ago in a pediatric ER. Maybe we could adapt that screen for adults.”
“That’s a terrific idea,” Dr. Simons says. “Feel free to take more time to decide, but it sounds like you'd like to work on this?”
WhatdoI want? There are so many things I don’t know right now—how to deal with my mom and Peter. How to break free of Weston’s toxic influence that still lingers. How I’m going to keep Jake in my life.
But in this instance, Iknowwhat I want. I want to help others escape their own bad situations like I was lucky to do. Making a decision now is impulsive—but is that tendency always such a bad thing? If I spent time thinking about it, I’d likely work myself into a frenzy thinking of all the pros and cons. Maybe making these quick spur-of-the-moment decisions is my way of being brave.
With that thought, I take another leap.
“Yes. I definitely do.”
