Page 116 of Love Medley
“Not well,” I admit, staring at my coffee. “I always thought the accident was my fault, but it’s possible that night wasn’t as clear cut as I once thought.” I pause, glancing at Amelia. “Maybe just give me your full Amelia analysis now so you don’t have to suffer through any more of my unnecessary word vomit.”
Amelia frowns. “I think you’re doing just fine on your own. Why do you do that, Lucy?”
I blink. “Do what?”
“Act like you don’t have anything worthwhile to say?”
Could Amelia be right?
“I have this habit of blurting out stuff without thinking, and I make decisions like that too. Why am I so impulsive? It ruins everything. Just look at my fight with Jake! If I hadn’t told him to go away, things would be justfine!”
Amelia looks at me thoughtfully. “Lucy, I don’t know if that’s actually true. It sounds like the argument brought up things that needed to be said out loud.”
I bite my lip. It's true that I needed to talk to Jake about all of this—but I just wish it hadn't come out that way. Hurtful and wrong.
Then she continues, “And while it’s important to think carefully about major life decisions, has your spontaneity really only been negative?”
These words echo my internal debate earlier today. And when Amelia labels me “spontaneous,” it sounds way better than “reckless.” Maybe I am impulsive to a fault, but before all of this happened, Iwasbeginning to think that I might have good instincts.
I think back on the past year. “That night…” I say, drawing out the words. “When you rescued me from Weston.”
Amelia shakes her head. “I just came when you called.”
“If I don’t get to downplay myself, you don’t either,” I chide gently, and she actually blushes. “You saved the day. But you’re right, I was the one that made that phone call—I pressed the call button without thinking very much. And…” I think some more. “There was a moment in the ER with a patient, Tanya, when I told her that I had personally experienced abuse. I'm glad I did.” I will never regret letting her know she wasn’t alone.
Amelia nods.
“Oh! I jumped into this new research project, and I’m really glad I did that.” I sigh. “And I obviously finagled Jake into fake dating me.” I blush. “And then the kiss at TNT. That was definitely notplanned beforehand. Oh my gosh, I totally asked Jake on the first real date. And…I might have initiated sex on the second.”
Amelia laughs at my flushed face. “All of this sounds great—I love hearing about you taking initiative,” she says. “But this is what I mean, Lucy. I almost wonder if you equate being decisive and having good instincts as being rash and thoughtless. They aren’t the same thing.”
“Huh.” I’ll have to think more about that.
“And, honestly, Luce, the bubbly, effervescent side of you is infectious and one of my favorite things about you. I hate that you’ve felt the need to suppress that, like it’s something bad about you that you need to get rid of.”
Like always, Amelia has been able to summarize my feelings in a concise form. Nothing she’s saying is news to me, but somehow, the way she packages it feels like an epiphany.
It’s true I’ve always felt that this excited, jump-into-the-deep-end aspect of my personality is not desirable. Maybe because for so long I believed it was the cause of Peter and my accident. And Weston always silencing me during my “manic outbursts” with a look of thunderous disappointment didn’t help. But I was just being me.
But what if my sparks of inspiration aren’t always a bad thing? What is inherently wrong with being excited about something and then going for it? Because I don’t regret anything I just brought up with Amelia; all of those situations resulted from the same source. Maybe what I’ve always thought of as a flaw isn’t so easilycategorized. Perhaps there are more shades of gray here than I initially believed.
“You aren’t wrong,” I say. “But I suppose I should wait to get a dog, because your very logical and rational argument still stands.”
Amelia laughs, loud and unrestrained. “Okay, you got me there.”
“Back to Jake…” I sigh. “In the heat of the moment, I know I said our relationship was a mistake, but I didn’t mean it. At the same time, I’m terrified that maybe I don’t see things clearly. I’ve never been good at making decisions.”
Amelia raises her eyebrows.
I grin sheepishly. “Fine, fine. Old habits die hard. I may have good instincts, but I’m just not used to making decisions for myself, okay? It’s scary. What if I make the wrong one?”
“It is scary,” Amelia agrees. “That’s always a risk.”
I take a sip of coffee, thinking about choices. “I guess giving away my decision-making made me feel safer for a while—if I didn't make any choices, I also wasn't responsible. I was definitely relieved when Weston just made all of my decisions for me. Of course, it wasn’t worth it in the end.” I hesitate. “And I didn't want to make a decision about Jake either. I think I was hoping it would just be made for me—like something forced us apart or a sign came down from the heavens saying it was meant to be. That way, if something went wrong, it wouldn't be my fault either way.”
Amelia nods. “That all makes total sense to me. Itisterrifying—being responsible for what happens.” She pauses and takes a drink from her cup. “And it’s okay if sometimes you want torelinquish your decision-making, especially if that stresses you out. When we hang out, I’m happy to choose things for you. That said, I hope you realize that I take your preferences—which youdohave—into account. But you can run into trouble when someone doesn’t have your best interests at heart.”
She’s right. Amelia calling the shots in our friendship only works because she’s trustworthy and cares about what I actually want. And I’m aware now that Weston could not care less what I wanted. It took me a long time to realize how selfish he truly is.
