Page 113 of Love Medley
Oh. Wow. “Peter, you sound…whole.”
He exhales. “I think I’m getting there. I really am. It’s been a long time coming, but I had to face my own demons eventually.I think I’m going to go back to school. At least get my GED and then figure out my path from there. I have to live my life for myself, you know?”
I do know. And if Peter can carve his own path, maybe I can too.
“I miss you,” I say. I think that’s the first time I’ve said it without feeling dragged down by the perceived responsibility I feel towards him. Now I just feel sorrow that we haven’t talked more.
“I miss you too, sis. When I’m done here, want to meet up? Have a normal interaction not directed at saving my ass? Just a big brother trying to hang out with his little sis?”
A sob escapes me. “Oh my God, Peter. I didn’t realize how long I’ve been waiting for you to say that.”
“It’s never too late, Lucy. At least, I hope that’s true, otherwise I’m fucked. And I’m pretty sure it’s not too late for you and Jake, not that you need any advice from me.”
We say our goodbyes and hang up.
I’m full of so many emotions. Relief that my big brother is doing okay. Confusion about this huge obligation in my life that…was never my responsibility? I wrack my brain, trying to recall if my parents ever actually blamed me for the accident. Maybe not, but they certainly didn’t reassure me either. And they definitely wanted me to help with Peter. At first, it may not have been a conscious decision, but that never stopped them from asking.
My brain is starting to hurt. If that accident wasn’t my fault and my parents aren’t blameless in all of this, what does that mean? For our whole lives, Peter and I have been defining ourselves relative to our parents, him by pulling away from their expectations and meby trying to meet them. Now Peter is working on self-discovery. I should do the same.
In fact, I was doing my own soul-searching until everything with Weston, Peter, my parents, and Jake just hit me at the same time. I retreated back to my “safe place,” back to the Lucy-ah that supposedly was the most ideal version of myself. The daughter that never spoke out, that never disobeyed her parents. The one that always toed the line, even though that meant tamping down her natural spark.
I always thought my impulsivity, my exuberance, was a bad thing, something that would hopefully disappear from my personality if I worked hard enough. But now that I’m rewriting my past—do I even want that anymore? And if not, what does that mean?
A fresh stab of pain pierces through my already battered heart as I realize I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. Because I was determined to stay in my lane, I’ve driven away the best man I’ve ever known.
Oh Jake. What have I done?
Then Peter’s last few words ring in my ears.
I’m pretty sure it’s not too late for you and Jake.
I can only hope that’s true.
Chapter thirty-eight
Jake
Itold Wyatt I was going to talk to Lucy. That I'd show up, say something—anything—that might help resolve the mess between us.
But somewhere between leaving the Whitlock mansion and pulling into the parking pad behind my apartment, the weight of it all just…settled on me.
Despite how eager I was to reconnect, I needed to sit with what happened at Lucy's apartment. To dig deep and puzzle out where things went wrong. What Lucy and I had—it was special. And because of that, it felt important to figure out the next right thing. Lucy was worth it.
And maybe…I was worth it, too.
Could Lucy and I still have a chance? But didn’t she say we were a mistake? That I was a mistake?
When I revisit the conversation, though, Lucy never actually said anything about me specifically. She only talked about our relationship being wrong. And that statement was in response to her feeling torn between her family and me. She never said I wasn’t good enough.
Then I think back to the conversation we had about Sam. Maybe I misinterpreted Lucy’s dismayed reaction. What if she wasn’t siding with Sam at all? Maybe instead, Lucy felt like I was giving her an ultimatum: she had to choose between her parents and me. And then on top of that, her parents were pressuring her about Peter, Weston was ambushing her, and I brought up my insecurities after her stressful conversation with her mom.
God, no wonder she freaked out.
Was this outburst just a moment of stress? Or did she really want to break up?
My thoughts scan through all the moments we shared together, as if flipping through a keepsake album of our relationship. The first time I met Lucy in the ER and that handshake that changed my life forever. The coffee date where I learned her favorite color was blue and laughed until my sides hurt. Flirting with her in the ER, then visiting her apartment. Singing “All I Ask of You,” never realizing how true the lyrics would become. Lucy defending myhonor at the Centennial Dinner and then our escape to Bill’s. Flirting over sushi, cuddling on my couch while watchingArmageddonat my apartment, and the most incredible lovemaking I could ever imagine. Skin to skin in the call room for the first time. Feeding her. Lucy meeting my friends and fitting in so well, like she had always been part of our group.
During that time, Lucy has never put me down or made me feel less than. She’s always backed me with steady, unwavering support. After a lifetime of my father making me feel inadequate, it’s amazing how Lucy always made me feel ten feet tall.
