Page 89 of Only Cold Depths
“I was angry and grieving and panicked at the thought of raising a baby by myself,” Wendell continued. “Of course, I had the full support of House Zimmer, and Beatrice helped as much as she could, but it was all sooverwhelming. Every time I looked at Zane, I thought about how Miriol would never get to see him grow up and how Zane would never have a mother.”
For the first time, I realized Zane and I had something else in common besides our DNA: we’d both grown up without a mother. His had been taken away, while mine had never wanted the job, but we’d both always had that same gaping hole in our lives. Uncomfortable needles of sympathy and commiseration pricked my heart.
Wendell cleared his throat. “Despite Miriol’s death, I still had my Regal duties. The Imperium keeps chugging along, no matter what personal grief, heartache, or tragedy someone might be experiencing. One day, I went to a party. I was angry and brooding, so I grabbed a bottle of wine and plunged into the garden to drink my pain away.” He paused. “And that’s when I saw Nerezza.”
My seer magic surged to life, and an image appeared in the air next to Wendell: a young Nerezza wearing a gauzy pink gown and strolling through a garden, trailing her fingertips across a bed of bloodred roses.
“I started to return to the party, but Nerezza waved me over,” Wendell said. “I had seen her at various Regal events, but I had never talked to her before, and she was delightful. Smart and funny and so very sympathetic.”
Another image appeared, showing Wendell and Nerezza sitting on a bench together. My heart squeezed tight. My mother did seem delightful, far more delightful and charming than she had ever been to me.
“Nerezza and I drank the bottle of wine and talked long into the night, and then . . .”
“What happened?”
“I kissed her,” Wendell said, his pale eyes hazy with memories. “I’m still not quite sure how it happened. If it was all the wine I’d drunk or my grief or some combination of the two. But I kissed her, and it was the most wonderful thing. Fizzy and bright and beautiful. Nerezza giggled and ran off, but I called out, asking if I could see her again, and she told me to find her at the next party.”
“And you did,” I murmured.
He nodded. “Talking to Nerezza was the first time I’d felt alive since Miriol had died. The dark, heavy cloak of grief lifted from my shoulders, just for a little while, and I wanted more of that freedom. I sought out Nerezza at the next party, and then the one after that and the one after that. Soon I was spending all my free time with her. Beatrice didn’t approve, of course. Even back then, she could see what Nerezza was scheming. But I was in love, and I was alive again, and I didn’t care about anything else.”
More images flickered in the air. Wendell and Nerezza smiling at each other, strolling hand in hand, even kissing in a passionate embrace. I blinked and shoved my magic away. I had no desire to seethat.
“What happened? How did it end between the two of you?”
“I was supposed to meet Nerezza in Promenade Park for a picnic, but I was so eager to see her that I arrived early. Nerezza was already there, talking to another woman. I think it was your cousin, Liesl. She looked like Nerezza’s sister.”
Wendell shook his head. “Anyway, I heard Nerezza bragging about how she had finally snagged a Regal lord, and not a minor noble but one from a major House. One with enough power, money, and influence to support her ambitions. And that’s when I realized Nerezza was just using me to get what she truly wanted: a way into House Zimmer. I was devastated.”
More images appeared, showing Wendell’s eyes widening in surprise and then his body sagging as Nerezza talked and laughed and thoroughly crushed all his love for her. My own heart squeezed in response. I knew that feeling all too well.
“I was just . . .numb,” Wendell confessed in a low, strained voice. “I pulled out my tablet and sent Nerezza an excuse that I couldn’t make it. She read the message to her friend, then laughed. I can still hear her laughter to this very day.”
He closed his eyes, and I too could hear the echoes of Nerezza’s merry, mocking laughter ringing through my ears.
After a few seconds, Wendell opened his eyes. “I returned to Castle Zimmer and told Beatrice what had happened. Beatrice said she would make sure I never had to deal with Nerezza again. I was so embarrassed, ashamed, and heartsick that it was a relief to let Beatrice get her hands dirty while I focused on Zane and my lab and my projects. I didn’t see Nerezza again until she came back to Corios several years later.”
“Have you ever talked to Nerezza?” I asked. “Since she returned to Corios?”
Wendell shrugged. “She’s climbed up through Regal society, so we’ve been at dozens of events together. Every time I see her, Nerezza will smile and nod, and she will even engage me in polite conversation from time to time. Although I always got the sense that she was mocking me, as if she knew some great secret I didn’t.” His gaze flicked over to me. “The night of the midnight ball, I finally found out what that secret was.”
“Me.”
He nodded. “You. And I washorrified. Nerezza had never told me she was pregnant. I was in Beatrice’s library at Castle Zimmer, railing about the unfairness of it all, when I realized exactly how quiet Beatrice was being. That’s when I realized she had known about you all along and that she had forced Nerezza to leave Corios.”
Wendell drew in a breath, then let it out, along with a rush of words. “I don’t know who I’m angrier at—Nerezza for never telling me about you and then abandoning you to climb the Regal ladder or Beatrice for making Nerezza leave Corios and hiding you from me.”
His hands clenched into fists, and his pale eyes blazed with fury. More needles of sympathy and commiseration pricked my heart. Nerezza had used Wendell and tossed him aside just as she had done to me, and we were both victims of my mother’s unending thirst for riches, power, and control.
“Ever since the midnight ball, I’ve been searching for you, although I’m not nearly as good at being a spy as Beatrice and Zane are,” Wendell said. “When Zane told us that you and Kyrion were coming to Sygnustern, I knew I had to come too and explain about Nerezza and everything else.” He hesitated. “That maybe you wouldn’t hate me so much if you knew the truth.”
“I don’t hate you,” I replied in a soft voice.
Nerezza was to blame for much of this messy situation, as was Beatrice. The two women had been engaged in a vicious power struggle, and Wendell and I had been the victims of their grim choices.
“I know you have no reason to like me or care what I think, but working with you today . . .” His voice trailed off for a moment. “Well, it was everything I hoped it would be. I know Beatrice and Zane have both hurt you, Vesper, and that I have hurt you too by turning my back on Nerezza, but I want to . . . well, I would sayfix things, but you are not a weapon in need of repair—you are a person with wants and needs and feelings.”
He shook his head, and a bitter laugh came from his lips. “Who am I kidding? There is nofixinghow Beatrice hid your existence and Nerezza left you as a child. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see or speak to me, Beatrice, or Zane ever again.”
