Page 91 of All The Way Under
I can feel her stare at the side of my face.
“Well, not all weddings have to be the same. This is very beautiful, and they both look happy.”
Happiness is a gateway to pain. That’s what I know to be true. You allow it in because it poses as something light, and then it sucks you all the way under and anchors you to the depths of despair.
“It does give off a bit of the zoo animal vibe, though,” she says, voice quiet.
Biting my lip, I stave off a grin. It’s impossible to shoot down the feelings the memory forces. Even though it’s been a year, my body reacts like I was fucking her in an elevator yesterday. I think it’s what a true connection must feel like. We pick right back up where we left off. It’s not just a twin thing. It has to be arealthing.
I do my best to make conversation with the others at our table, trying not to talk to Mark too much or stare at Saylor too long, until after dinner.
The toasts begin.
I wrote one on the note app in my phone before I went to bed, but with the turn of events, and my fourth beer tasting like I-should-wing-it, I go up to the small two-person table Nolan and Catherine are sitting at. I see my mom glaring at me, so I get out my phone. I’ll just ad-lib a bit.
The spotlight hides all the tables and faces from me, which is a good thing. Public speaking is not my strong suit. Sweat rolls down my face, and I can’t wipe it away quick enough. My free hand is in a fist by my side. I can keep a steady pulse rate when I’m clearing a room or exterminating villains, but being in front of these people, knowing Saylor is out there, makes me tremble.
Nolan stands up, grabs the microphone from me, and puts his arm around my shoulder. “We’re twins. I know exactly what he was going to say anyway,” Nolan says.
The shadowy figures boom with laughter in front of us. It doesn’t quiet my nerves, though.
I look at my brother, and I remember to breathe because he is. Nolan turns back to the spotlight.
“He was going to make a joke about how he’s younger by thirty-seven minutes and somehow that time alone made him darker, wiser, broodier, and obviously more intimidating.”
Nolan looks at me. It’s wistful.
“And then he was going to tell you that I’m the sunshine twin. The optimistic one. The one who believes every situation can be fixed with a good cheeseburger and a big smile.”
Nolan beams at me.
“But he’d get through the jokes, and he would’ve, eventually, he would say something real. Under that whole emotionally allergic exterior, Brody is the most loyal, deeply feeling person I know. He’s been my other half and best friend since the womb. He’s my mirror. The only one who knows when I’m lying, even to myself, and calls me out for it.”
Nolan turns to the crowd, and I hear the words come slower because he has to push through the emotion.
“And even though he couldn’t say it, I know what he meant to say. You would tell them that you’ve never seen me more myself, and at ease than I am when I’m with Catherine. You would tell them you’re not sure how, but she’s made me better than I was before. You know that she gets me in a way that no one else has. And Catherine,” he says, turning to look at his bride. “Brody was going to tell you that he likes you because you terrify him. In only good ways, though.”
The audience laughs.
“That your twin flame sarcasm is a love language, and you share a mutual understanding that eye-rolling is a valid form of communication. He would say that you’re already family, and we’re better for it. On behalf of my twin brother and my favorite grump, let me say,” Nolan says, picking up a glass of champagne and handing me one. “Here is to finding someone who makes your stubborn heart feel safe and to the people who love us even when we freeze at the mic. To Catherine and me, and to Brody, thanks for standing up with me today. Cheers.”
We clink glasses and take a sip. I can’t help the traitorous tears forming in my eyes. Nolan is the only person who has been saving me my whole life. I hug him, but then I take the mic.
“That was exactly what I was going to say. More or less. Thanks, brother.”
I pause, the crowd shifts, but I forge through the nerves because my brother paved the way for me.
“But I think I’ve got a few words left in me after all. Catherine, I expect you to keep him in line, and Nolan, good luck.”
The guests laugh.
“Nolan talked about love and people getting each other, but he didn’t talk about timing. Timing is something that you can’t fake. It’s either right or it’s abysmal. If you can’t fake it, maybe you can fix it or try again. It’s been a hard, life-altering year, but it had to happen.”
I shrug to control my shaking.
“I’m not here asking for anything crazy, like I’m sure my parents and Nolan want from me. This isn’t a grand gesture. I am asking, S.W., if maybe we can start over. As friends. Two people who once meant everything to each other, and who might again. One step at a time. That’s it.”
I raise my shaking glass.
