Page 85 of All The Way Under
“I wanted to see you,” I say.
My body buzzes from seeing him and hearing one sentence from his perfect lips. He’s in his cami uniform. The normal one, not the formal one he wore to the charity event.
“Brody, please, I need to talk to you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He looks behind him to where three black cars line the street in front of his house. He turns his tired gaze back to me.
“Just go, Saylor. Go home, back to the palace with your guards and the people who know you best.”
He doesn’t make a move to come closer.
“Hey, don’t you say that. Don’t you stand there and lie to me. You know that you know me best. You know my heart.”
Brody shakes his head, looking down at the sleeping dog hanging limp over his arm. “I have to get him to bed.”
He brushes past me and unlocks his door.
“That’s it?” I say, tears forming in the corner of my eyes.
He puts Grimace down on the couch, but doesn’t invite me in. He leans against the doorframe, tall and looming.
“What we had was nice, but we can’t pretend this had staying power. I was blinded by obsession. I didn’t see all the glaring signs telling me that this was never long term. We went through something traumatic together. You bonded with me, and I think it clouded your judgment too. I took this time away to really think about what a life together would look like, and it’s not something sustainable, Saylor. You’re a Wyndham. I need anonymity. Fuck, not just need, it’s required from meto do my job.”
My worst fear is coming true. Bronwyn is right.
“You’re brilliant and beautiful. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know you’ll do okay without me.”
“You’re breaking up with me?” I say the words like a string of curse words.
“Your ex and that whole fucking display of fuck knows what did give me clarity. You may want to get married for love and live a happily ever after, but that’s not what you need. We both know that. You need someone who blends in.”
Tears fall over the rims of my eyes, hot traitors slipping down my cheeks. Brody looks at my jewelry and dress and shakes his head.
“I’m just a dirty ole SEAL. I’m not good enough to be next to you, anyway.”
I hold up my arm and peel off the bracelets, tossing them to the ground.
“This shit doesn’t mean anything to me. I want you. I want you to want me enough to figure it out. My mom was the one who sent me here. She said it didn’t matter. That if you wanted me, you’d figure out a way to make it work.”
That shocks him, but I can tell his mind is made up. His eyes tell me all I need to know. They’re lifeless. Nothing is there. Like when I first met him.
“I can’t figure this out. I can’t. I’ve tried. Do you know how maddening it is to admit there’s a problem I can’t fix, and this is the cost?” He holds an arm out to me.
“Then keep it. Keep me. I’m yours.”
He smiles sadly. “You were never mine to keep, Saylor.”
“You’re mistaken. I was always yours to keep. You toss me away so easily? That might hurt more than being cheated on. At least I know what I’m getting with a man like Archie. It’s not love. It’s not even loyalty. It’s an agreement. You can’t make up your own mind to save your life.”
He grins. It doesn’t meet his eyes. “Now you’re getting it.”
“Don’t patronize me, Brody McCoy. Don’t do that.” I swallow down a lump. “Say you don’t love me and don’t hold back. Tell me you didn’t love me at the waterfall. Or the lake house. Say you didn’t love me at all, at any time we’ve been together, because I won’t believe you ever did, because love doesn’t just stop.”
“It does.”
“What, like a switch?” I retort. “If that’s true, then maybe who you were when we met truly is who you are. Mean,corrosive, and condescending. Maybe I was wrong about you all along. This is who you are. Someone who can toss a person aside so easily because of circumstances out of her control.”
“Saylor,” he says, and it’s condescending. “My profession dictates things. It dictates I can’t be in the press. It tells me who I can date and who I can’t. I was so numb to the reality of it because I wanted you more than I cared about everything else. The rest of my life cannot look like this.” He points to the street with the guards. “My neighbors don’t even know what I do, for Christ’s sake. You are too much.”
