Page 33 of Let the Game Begin
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m honored to have been your first,” I admitted in a subdued tone. Selene had ducked her head and was wringing her hands, avoiding my stare. I got the feeling she was still guilty over having given herself to someone who was essentially a complete stranger. I was used to sleeping with girls whose names I wouldn’t remember or even care about forgetting. My body had no value in that way, but hers still did.
“I wasn’t trying to be insulting.” I cleared my throat, trying to smooth over some of the awkwardness that I had created.
“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered, but I knew full well that it did matter to her.
“You and Jennifer… Are you…?” she asked abruptly, probably trying to change the subject.
“Together?” I finished for her. “Nah,” I grinned, shaking my head. “I’m not the relationship type.”
“Yeah, I figured. After all, sex is like a sport for you, isn’t it?” she taunted me. I could see from the look on her face that she disapproved, but that was nothing new.
“I get the feeling that there’s a lot of suffering in your past…” she stated with a certainty that struck me dumb. I scratched my eyebrow with my thumb and sighed. I never talked to anyone about my past. It was a part of me that I couldn’t let anyone but myself see. I couldn’t show her the monster that I really was.
“And I get the feeling that you still haven’t forgiven yourself for what happened between the two of us,” I answered, shifting the focus of the conversation back on to her.
While we were talking, a few girls waved hello to me as they passed my car, and I acknowledged them with a lift of my chin but never took my attention from Selene.
Babygirl licked her lower lip and then bit it, shaking her head. “You didn’t need to say that.” She tried to get out of the car, but I immediately grabbed her by the wrist.
“Wait,” I whispered, my eyes drilling into hers. “I think we should have a redo,” I told her. I knew that she’d think I was insane, but I didn’t give a shit. I needed her. If I just fucked her one more time, maybe I could stop imagining how her face would look as she climaxed beneath me.
“What?” she asked incredulously. She clearly wasn’t expecting me to make that kind of proposition to her.
“I want you, Selene. I may seem like a lunatic to you, but that’s the way I am. I always say what I’m thinking, especially to women. I’ll say it again: I want you,” I told her, never taking my eyes off hers. In that moment, she looked smaller, more afraid and more confused than ever, and I got the feeling that we occupied two different universes, light-years apart. Still, I didn’t retract my suggestion.
“God, Neil,” she sighed, running a hand through her hair. She sat back against the seat, and I released her wrist so I wouldn’t hurt her.
“I have to sort things out with Jared. And besides, I’m Matt’s daughter… I’m… I…” she stammered, confused and torn between her guilt and her desire. I imagined her walking a slender tightrope, balanced precariously between the world of perdition—my world—and her world, an illusion of perfection.
“You lost your virginity to me, and you don’t even remember it. I justwanted to give you the opportunity to make up for it, because I get that your first time was a big deal for you,” I said softly, trying to sound convincing. Still, she resisted me, shaking her head.
“Are you trying to do me a favor?” She laughed hysterically, like the entire situation was totally surreal to her.
“No, I’d just like to give you another shot,” I admitted, staring into her eyes. I wanted to stop thinking about her in such a sick way—I’d even conjured her up when I was with Jennifer, for Christ’s sake. I was certain that us having sex again would put an end to my torment and her feelings of guilt. We could sleep together one more time, and it would fix everything. Both of us could go on with our lives without ever again thinking about what had happened between us.
“You’re insane! Truly nuts! I’m going to class.” Selene started to open the door, but I reached out and pulled it shut. We weren’t finished yet. I and I alone was the one who decided when my games began and when they ended.
“We’ve kissed already, and you’ve slept with me. What’s the point of fighting something that you want just as much as I do?” My face was very close to her. The smell of coconut was drugging; it shocked me. I wanted to kiss her in a way I’d never wanted to kiss anyone before. Typically, I kissed women to disarm them so I could fuck them, not because I actually wanted to kiss for its own sake.
“I’m not promising you a love story out of a movie or a book. I’m just offering you the opportunity to use me to jog your memory.”
Selene stared at me like I’d lost my mind.
“Useyou?” she echoed, horrified. “I don’t use people, Neil.” She didn’t understand me. No one could, least of all her. I sighed in exasperation, but I didn’t lose my patience, which was unusual for me.
“At least think about it.” I pulled back and dug in my jeans for my pack of Winstons.
“About getting fucked by you?” She grinned sarcastically before muttering incomprehensibly under her breath.
“We can make love, if you want…” I suggested. Selene burst out laughing—it seemed that she couldn’t believe her ears.
“How do you make love to someone without loving them?” she asked reflectively. Her attitude was making my head hurt. I was tired of constantly coming up with new forms of persuasion.
“You’re sharp,” I told her. I brought a cigarette to my lips and lit it, buying myself some time.
“You’re screwing with me, aren’t you?” she asked indignantly. She pinched the bridge of her nose with two fingers like I was causing a nervous breakdown.
“Perceptive, too.” I exhaled my smoke into her face and she squinted, coughing.
