Page 164 of Let the Game Begin
I collapsed back into reality and opened my eyes, struggling to control myself again, and more importantly, to get some oxygen into my lungs. My lower lip was sore and swelling, my chest rose and fell wearily, and my slick center was still being rocked by the thrilling, unstoppable tremors of orgasm.
I only caught a few words of his intermittent speech, but that last sentence was clear to me: this would be all I ever got from him.
He pulled his hand out from between my thighs and brought it up to his mouth. He sniffed at my arousal like an animal and I went red, though I should have been used to his bold, obscene gestures by them. Then he stuck his index finger between his lips and sucked, locking eyes with me. He didn’t speak, but it felt like he was telling me“I love the taste of you,”and I gasped at how powerfully his masculine voice echoed in my imagination.
“Did you get any of what I just said to you?” he asked, sounding amused. He looked at me like the inexperienced girl that I was; I hated that part of myself, so shy and insecure. Sometimes, I wished I was more like other people: audacious, uninhibited, shameless. But those weren’t qualities that I had. So instead, I ducked my head and quickly zipped up my jeans, pressing my thighs together and staring at a random point on his chest.
“I’m not suited for relationships. I wasn’t meant to be with a woman like that. And it’s not because I don’t want to. Believe me, I would like to be that way…” He lifted my chin with his index finger, forcing me to look him in the eyes. There, I caught a glimpse of words unspoken, hidden thoughts, secret fears, and the terrible memories that had made him into such a troubled, disillusioned man. “But the Boy and I still have so many problems to deal with…” He raised his torso away from me and sat up in the hammock, which only pulled me along with him.
Then we both sat, our bodies swaying back and forth as the moon watched over us. Who knew what she thought of us. Of a girl with her heart full of hopes and dreams and a disaster of a boy with a brilliant mind that was nonetheless caught up in the web of the past.
“Who is the Boy?” I asked hesitantly, resting my hands on my kneecaps. My shoes grazed the green lawn with every tiny swing of the hammock.
“Neil,” he said simply, not looking at me.
I didn’t understand his introspective reasoning. Sometimes, the things he said were too abstruse and mysterious for me to decipher them, but this part of him fascinated me more than anything else.
“There is a star in the sky for each of us, far enough away that our mistakes cannot tarnish it.” I murmured under my breath. “Christian Bobin said that. You should recommend him to the Boy, for when he’s feeling sad,” I whispered. Neil turned to look at me and furrowed his brow. I knew he wasn’t going to elaborate on that idea, because he’d already said too much by his standards, but I needed to be patient.
“Think about what I said. I’ve fucked other people these last two weeks, just like I’ve been doing since the beginning. Do you know what that means?” he asked, but he didn’t wait for me to answer before continuing. “It means that I like you, Selene, but you are not indispensable. You get me out of my head for a minute and nothing more. I want to be honest with you. If you don’t have any illusions, like you say, then I won’t be disappointing you.”
It suddenly occurred to me that I was looking at a frozen person, trapped inside himself, surrounded by walls so high and thick that they would be impossible to break down.
I looked away when he confirmed what I’d feared: that he’d been with other women. The thought of other women touching him or him touching them the way he touched me made me feel nervy and vulnerable. A quiet ache in my chest kept me from replying. I opened my lips and then closed them several times, unable to say a word.
His capacity for destruction was enviable. He truly was a magnificent bastard.
“I hope that behind your mask of ice there is a heart that can one day beat for someone.” It was difficult to get the words out. A strange sensation crawled over my skin; there was a stabbing pain in my chest and nausea rose from the pit of my stomach at the memory of what I’d just allowed him to do to me.
I was afraid that I had fallen hopelessly in love with him, and that knowledge scared me. But love happened at random and could not be planned for or controlled. Love was an unpredictable and irrational little monster, sometimes good, sometimes evil. It was frequently insane and inexplicable, controversial and illogical.
For the first time in my life, I had been a victim of love, and I still couldn’t say exactly what love was, only that I knew it when I started to see the perfection in Neil’s imperfections. And that I wouldn’t have found it in anyone else.
“Oh, one last thing: from now on, feel free to touch the other girls, kiss them, really show them a good time,” I taunted him, echoing his own words. “But don’t come near me again.”
I climbed out of the hammock, and putting on a tranquil facade, I showed him just how serious I was about that demand. Neil stood up as well, preparing to loom over me with his great height, but I refused to be intimidated.
“We both know that you’ll let me touch you whenever I want,” he answered, all arrogant certainty. But I just gave him an insolent smile and moved closer to him, narrowing my eyes.
“Or maybe I’ll let one your friends touch me and get rid of this inexperience. After all, you said it yourself.…” I paused for effect and gave him a slow, sensual blink, pursing my lips. “I need to learn how to fuck without kissing,” I whispered, sounding amused. I spoke slowly to really imprint the message in his mind.
Maybe I was being immature and reacting out of unhealthy jealousy, but if he was going to live freely, sleeping with all of kinds of women, I should be able to go my own way as well.
Neil stared darkly at me. His bright eyes had ceased shining and had given way to a stormy, menacing expression. I might have found it thrilling if I didn’t know how hard he struggled to control his impulses.
“You’d better leave, Tinkerbell.” Something ominous now lurked behind the nickname he always called me.
Neil stared intensely at me and some feminine instinct urged me not to continue arguing with him. Then, suddenly, his right arm, which had been hanging at his side, began to shake, drawing my eye. The fingers of that hand moved as though he were playing an invisible piano, and I realized that he was probably trying to express some sort of tense energy he felt moving inside him.
I took a step back because standing there, immersed in the darkness andlit only by the faint glow of the moon, that man looked like a fallen angel, a tortured soul trapped in a divinity’s body and…
Dangerous. He looked dangerous.
36
Selene
“I miss you so much. Campus isn’t the same without you.”
