Page 43 of Let the Game Begin
11
Selene
If being able to remember my first time was truly the solution to my feelings of guilt, then why hadn’t I eaten or slept in days?
I avoided Neil in the days after our…well…whatever it was that we did. And I pretended that everything was fine.
At the moment, I was hanging out in one of the many green areas on campus with Logan and his friends, trying to act like a regular student, a model girlfriend, and a young woman who was perfectly measured in all her decisions.
Except that I was none of those things.
I felt like I was going insane all the time, and I just kept making massively irrational choices. Like giving in to Neil’s suggestion, which had only created even more problems.
I was afraid of how I was going to react when I saw him with other girls. We’d shared something significant, and knowing that his many lovers also got the same thing from him was difficult to accept. Neil had been mine completely, if only for a little while, and I still somehow felt like he belonged to me.
“That sweater’s really nice,” Julie said to Adam. I shot her a look. It was just a plain white sweatshirt with the school’s logo in purple on the chest.Then, I smiled, because I realized that Julie’s comment was more timid seduction tactic than genuine compliment.
“Thanks, sweetheart.” Adam winked at her and she turned red. I glanced around, trying not to stare too obviously at them.
“Hey, everything okay?” Logan approached, tucking his hands into the pockets of his coat. Autumn had truly arrived by then, and temperatures were falling.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just thinking,” I lied reassuringly. In reality, I was destroyed. I couldn’t explain how I felt, and the chaos that reigned in my head was eating me alive. I had never been the type to act impulsively. I calculated and planned everything in my life. So now, living on this roller coaster and never knowing what was going to happen tomorrow was really messing with me.
Neil was messing with me.
After a few minutes, Alyssa suggested we go for coffee, so we hit up one of the many restaurants around campus and sat down at a free table. It was a nice place; the mismatched decor gave it a welcoming atmosphere, and it was full of students.
I recognized one of them almost immediately: Bryan Nelson was sitting not too far from us at a table with some other guys from the men’s basketball team. I turned my gaze away from him so I wouldn’t draw his unwanted attention and ordered a double shot when the waitress came by.
I really needed it.
“Are you sure you’re doing okay?” It was Alyssa this time who was worried about me. It was probably my prolonged silence caused by my all-consuming thoughts. They made it basically impossible for me to keep up a conversation, and everyone else was getting suspicious.
“Sure, I’m just a little tired,” I said. By now, I was getting pretty good at lying and making excuses, but I had to be because I obviously couldn’t tell anyone what was really bothering me.
Plus, my friends knew I had a boyfriend, and I didn’t like the idea of them passing judgment on me. I was already well aware that I had screwed up. I was constantly begging Jared to carve out some time for me, but it seemed like all of his other stuff came before me.
“You’re seriously telling me you want to fuck Jennifer Madsen? She’s off limits,” Jake said teasingly to Cory before glancing at a table on the opposite side of the restaurant, next to the window. I heard the name but didn’t bother turning around. Something told me that they were referring to the very same Jennifer that I knew.
“Everybody knows she’s Neil’s faithful little lapdog these days,” Adam continued, extending his arm across the back of Julie’s chair. She gave a small, embarrassed jolt.
“Like that’s ever mattered to Neil. I’ve never seen the man with an actual girlfriend,” Cory answered nonchalantly, looking directly at Logan. “What do you say, Logan? Would your brother give a shit if I hit that?” he continued, sounding innocently curious, as if this were a totally banal question for him to ask. Logan was clearly uncomfortable and annoyed, and it made him uncharacteristically sober.
“I don’t like talking about my brother’s personal life. I know as much about it as you do,” he answered bluntly, obviously trying to tamp down on gossip about Neil.
“Oh come on, Logan. We all know his reputation. I mean, that dude has seen more pussy than a retired gynecologist,” Jake insisted, making the rest of the group chuckle. Logan, however, continued to give them a deep look of annoyance.
“I heard he shares the girls with his friends, and that he goes to these parties where—”
Logan pounded his fists on the table, stopping Cory who went mute and stared at him in shock. “Enough!” Logan warned them all, looking like he was thoroughly tired of hearing rumors about Neil. Alyssa and Julie exchanged brief glances, and Jake and Adam quit laughing.
“Here’s your coffees, folks.” The waitress appeared in her chic black-and-white uniform and politely handed us our orders. Fortunately, this dissipated some of the tension between the boys. Jake changed the subject and everyone started talking again, diverted on to a different topic entirely. I glanced at Logan sitting next to me and dared to give his arm a pat.
“You were in the right, defending your brother. I would have done thesame thing, if I had a brother.” I grinned at him, and he seemed to appreciate it because I could see his face relax.
“Hey, sweetheart. We’ve been waiting on our beers for half an hour!” a guy shouted suddenly. From the corner of my eye, I saw him rudely gesturing toward the waitress. He had a wicked grin that gave me the shivers. I turned more fully to get a good look at him and the other people at his table. Immediately, I recognized Jennifer’s blond hair. She was wearing a low-cut top and looked amused.
“If Xavier loses his cool, we’re in for another one of his typical tantrums,” Jake noted. I realized that the guy he was talking about was same slimeball I’d run into on my first day in the city.
