Page 123 of Fun Together
He moves to stand next to me, and he doesn’t reach for my hand, but I can feel the phantom press of his palm against mine. “We’ll find you something else. Something better.”
Still, he wants to help me. Still, he’s so sure that something better could exist.
I watch his eyes scan the pond. “I was hoping our swans would be here,” he says.
The way he says “our swans” brings to mind the other things that we’ve shared, too. Our laughter. Our kisses. Our hearts.
Our mistakes.
“I heard you and Andrew fighting,” I confess.
In my periphery, I see him jerk his head in my direction. “I wouldn’t say we were fighting . . .”
I press my sandals down on the grass, smashing the blades out as flat as I can. “I think we should cool things off.”
He turns so he’s facing me. “Don’t do this,” he says, a pleading desperation in his voice.
I can’t look at him. I’m a fucking coward and I can’t look at him. “Do what?”
“Run away from me.”
“I’m not running away,” I lie. “This was always going to end at some point, right?”
“It doesn’t have to. What are you afraid of?”
I’m afraid of letting myself admit that I might be falling in love with him. Or worse, that I’ll accept his love the way I accepted Andrew’s, and I’ll end up using it as a safety net so I don’t have to face my own insecurities. I’m afraid of being like my mom.
Mostly, I’m afraid of losing him.
“Are you still in love with Andrew?”
Is that what he thinks? That I’ve been buying time with him while I wait to get Andrew back?
“No. I . . .” I trail off, unsure of how to even finish the sentence.
“You what?” He sounds exasperated. “Please tell me what’s going on in your head.”
So many years spent keeping my own feelings so close to my chest, it’s not easy for me to express them. But I feel his frustration and I understand it. I’m frustrated, too, with myself.
“Sorry we can’t all wear our emotions like a giant marquee across our face. No wonder Andrew found out.”
“I’m sorry that I don’t want to put caution tape around my feelings for you anymore.”
“I need to get back to my desk,” I say, turning to walk away.
He steps forward to block my path. “Are you worried Andrew will hate you if we’re together?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?”
“I’m worried he’ll hateyou. He’s like a brother to you, Eli. And hearing the way you were talking to each other. I felt sick about it.”
“I can work this out with Andrew. And Andrew cares about you. He wants you to be happy.” He places his hand over his heart, tapping it against his chest. “Tell meIdon’t make you happy.”
“What if I can’t make you happy? Because I can’t be whatyouwant, Eli. I think you have this fantasy in your head that we’ll be like your parents. Your friendship means so much to me. It can’t be more. I can’t do more than that.”
“I don’t believe you.”
