Page 121 of Fun Together
Overhearing loved ones discussing your future is hard when you’re a kid. It’s even harder when you’re an adult and they’re hashing out all the ways you’ve managed to fail them.
I could see it back in school, the way you talked to her and looked at her.
You bought that ring before graduation.
. . . it didn’t take me six years to figure that out. It took me six seconds.
Worst case scenario? I’d say we’re there. All my fears about what would happen if Eli and I got involved are coming true. I’m sick with guilt.
Eli doesn’t know I’m standing there, but I watch him for a few seconds before I make my presence known. He puts his palms on top of the kitchen counter and hangs his head down. I want so badly to comfort him and tell him everything will be okay.
I mentally count to three before I step into the kitchen. I try to make my voice neutral, as if I didn’t just hear him and my ex-boyfriend talking about how difficult I am to love. “Hey.”
He pops his head up, almost like he forgot I was in the house. He straightens up and takes an empty glass over to the sink. “You ready to go?”
We drive in silence,which is fine by me.
My mind is a hamster wheel, spinning round and round with questions and memories. How do we move forward from this? How do we make everything feel normal again?
I look over at Eli’s side profile. His face is serious and his hands are tight on the wheel. He looks as tired as I feel, and as sad. I want to place a comforting hand on his thigh, and I want him to place his hand over mine and give it a reassuring squeeze.
He turns and catches me looking at him.
“Sorry,” I say, embarrassed about being caught staring.
“I like when you look at me.” Gone is the playful glimmer I’m used to seeing in his eyes. It’s been replaced by a solemn survey of my face that seems to ask,But do you see me too?
I believed him when he said that he’s serious about me, even if Andrew didn’t, and I don’t know what I should do with that declaration.
I turn away to look out the window and watch the streetlights pass. “Did you know you called me ‘baby’ back there?”
I don’t know why this is what I choose to bring up right now, but it’s where my exhausted brain decides to go.
He heaves a sigh. “It slipped out.”
“I liked it,” I admit, taking my hair down and leaning back against the headrest. Might as well make this worse. Might as well pick the scab, right?
“You did?” He sounds almost hopeful.
“But I don’t think you should call me that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t be your baby.”
“Why not?”he repeats.
And how does she feel about you?
He deserves someone who can be with him fully. To stand out in the light with him, experiencing nothing but the joy of getting to be with him. Someone who doesn’t hesitate to tell him how she feels.
“Because you’re like this fun, frolicking dolphin, bouncing on the waves.”
He sniffs. “A dolphin, huh? And what does that make you?”
“A moody old eel, living deep in an ocean trench.”
He hums. “Maybe I can evolve and become one of those fish with the weird light things hanging over their heads. Then, I can come see you.”
