Page 98 of Delayed Intention
“Thanks Dad. I’m going to go touch up my makeup before we get started.”
I hurry off to the bathroom before the threatening tears start to come.Stuff it down.
Tonight isn’t about me; it’s about my brother and his fiancée. I take slow breaths as I reapply my lipstick. The thing is, I’ve felt moved by this reconnection with my father, but I’m also concerned about the cost to him. Ellen can be so cruel. Until recently, I’d thought of him as impervious, but now I see him differently. I have to remind myself it’s his choice if he wants to be there.
I square my shoulders and head back in.
The night goes off without a hitch.
The dinner is delicious, the shabby chic decor seems to put all her Georgian clan at ease, and the musicians were perfect. Everything runs on time, meaning that for those of us that observe Shabbat, there will be plenty of time to get back to attend minyan, light candles and observe the sabbath.
After dessert and innumerable speeches, I head outside for air. Josh and I had wrapped up everything with the vendors so we could leave with Roselyn and David.
As I head outside the tent, Ellen follows me, and I feel her presence behind me without even turning around. I turn to her before she can say whatever she wants to say.
“I think I’ve made myself very clear; I am not interested in speaking with you.”
Ellen smiles. She fucking smiles. “You did. You have turned out to be my most ungrateful—”
“Just stop!” I put my hands up. “You have been more interested in controlling me than supporting me, so let me spell this out for you. I am not a kid anymore. You tried to make me feel like a crazy person, gaslighting me into believing I wasn’t good enough for anyone to love. According to you, there was no hope of any romance in my life. Not to mention what happened with Dr. Kellerman and everything in between. For the record, not only am I in love with Josh, but he is in love with me.”
For some reason, she looks self-satisfied, not cowed. It makes the next thing I have to say that much easier.
“I want to go back to taking a break from you, from this… toxic relationship. You have hurt me, and for now, I have nothing more to say to you.”
I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever invite her back into my life, but that’s too final to decide right now. I need to really think about it.
“You want to put this—” she points at me, gesturing up and down with her hand “—off on me, go right ahead.” She sneers at me, “You are in your thirties and your failures are your own. Maybe if you would stop living in the past, you would see that.”
“Ellen!” A voice from the shadows.Dad. “Leave her alone. You’ve done enough.”
I squeeze his arm as I walk past. I respect my father, but I’m going to leave him to her and walk away. Because I’m done. He can choose to stay with her. I don’t have to.
I come around the corner and run straight into Josh. His jacket is gone, somewhere, his tie is loose. We are standing outside the refurbished barn where the party is still going inside.
“Hello there.” He grins, as if he’s the lucky one in this scenario. “I saw Ellen headed this way and I wanted to run interference.”
“You just missed her. And my father beat you to it. I told her about us—I wanted to wipe that smug look off her face—but she was just as pleased with herself as ever.”
“You know what I think?”
I pulled on his tie to bring his face closer to mine. “What do you think?”
“You’re incredible, and anyone that can’t see that about you doesn’t deserve your time.”
“I’m not perfect Josh.”
“Lily, I never said you’re perfect. I said you’re incredible because you are.”
With that, he turns me and leans me up against the barn, kissing me breathless, until I forget what we were talking about.
The Big Day
Lily, Estes Park, June 14, 2025
Driving to the wedding site, my heart feels simultaneous joy and sorrow. It’s the last night I’ll be near Josh for the foreseeable future. Since we’re kind of keeping things under wraps, we’ve barely had time together and, tomorrow, I’m supposed to go back home. This week went by so fast. I was the one who insisted we start slow and keep the change in our relationship to ourselves. I said it was about the wedding, but I think it’s equally about my fears. I don’t want to face everyone if this doesn’t work out. I also didn’t want my mother to be aware of it because, just her knowing about a thing, makes me nervous. She’s never encountered any happiness of mine that she didn’t want to dissect.
On the one hand, what Josh and I have between us feels inevitable. We have known each other our entire lives and it’s finally clear that we’ve been meant for this journey together—as if we are fated. Yet at the same time, it feels fragile and new. My anxiety wants to encroach and think of all the ways I could mess this up. Or all the ‘for instances’ that could change his mind. The crux of my fears is that my mother will use this information to thwart my happiness. I don’t believe she sees it that way. I know she wants me back home, in her domain, with a man that she can manage. I’d rather end up alone than go back to that small life I had before.
