Page 94 of Delayed Intention
I love him.
I haven’t wanted to think about it because it has been such a mess, but the fact remains.
A waiter ambles by with a tray of shots, and I grab one and toss it back. Setting myself between two people who are actually line dancing, I focus and eventually get the hang of the moves.
No matter what I do, the ache for Josh does not entirely leave me, but I still have a great time.
If this is as happy as I can be, I can live with this.
I may not be wonderful, but I’m okay.
I look at the sky and know it’s enough. Thisisenough.
Meet Me There
Josh, Estes Park, June 10, 2025
Last night I left Lily another note asking if she’ll meet me for a hike today. Originally, my intention had been to give her space. But something keeps drawing me back to make my case for another chance. I’m new to all of this but it feels right to try. I hope this isn’t me being a selfish asshole. I think I’m doing the right thing. More than anything I don’t want the week to end without telling Lily the truth about how I feel.
I miss her so much.
Once I realized how much I love her, the thought came to me constantly, at random times. Each time it does, I continue to be surprised by this fact. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand how or why this happened, but the fact remains.
I do love her.
Lily and I are at a fork in the road, and it’s up to me to expose my feelings, and lay them all out in front of her. My letter was not enough. Of course, it wasn’t. She has been through so much, hurt by people who should have protected her. I know that it isn’t my fault or my responsibility to fix it. Yet I want to do anything I can to prove to her that I’m in her corner, if she’ll let me.
I didn’t think this could happen to me. It never occurred to me how much I could feel for a person. Wanting her to be happy, first and foremost. Wanting her in my life.
Okay, maybe it’s a little consuming. But that, in part, has to be due to the uncertainty.What will she say? Will she have me back?
I’m off the rest of the week for the wedding, and I let myself sleep in today. Of course, I didn’t sleep half the night. I was tossing and turning and replaying what I wanted to say to Lily and wondering if she would even go on this hike with me. Her text comes while I’m brushing my teeth. I freeze, toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, staring at the notification of her text.
Lily
I got your note, I woke up late. Give me 30 min?
I reply immediately.
Me
Sure. I’ll see you soon.
This is it. I’d written asking if we could meet at Kind Coffee again. I’m hoping to hike with her over at Lumpy Ridge trailhead. I chose it because it’s a five-minute drive from Kind Coffee and it’s not in the national park which has so many entrance restrictions this time of year. Lumpy Ridge will be less crowded and give us more of a chance to talk face-to-face rather than in the car.
I grab my hiking bag and stock up on the essentials including water for both of us. I decided to walk Ginger over to doggy daycare on my way there. Throwing on my clothes I glance in the mirror. I shaved my beard last week for the wedding and I don’t recognize myself. I put some gel in my hair and lather the sunscreen on before I grab two ball caps in case Lily doesn’t have one.
I walk Ginger over to her doggie day camp, which is conveniently located on the way to Kind Coffee. She starts pulling on her leash as soon as we arrive at the facility—she's so happy to be there. I signed her up for camp for the rest of the week and to board over the weekend, as I’ll be away from home too much to give her the attention she needs due to the wedding.
After I drop her, it sinks in that this is really it. Make or break time.
I walk toward Kind Coffee, which, as usual, has a line out the front door and into the parking lot. I spot Lily in the front of the queue and walk over to her.
“Hello.”Very smooth, Josh.
“Hi.”
“You look…” But I’m interrupted from stumbling through how I think she looks, which is fucking hot, but not what I want to say out loud…
