Page 76 of Delayed Intention
I wash my face, enjoying the feel of my cleansing oil as I rub circles onto my face. Gently rinsing with warm water, I feel myself relax into this routine as I unpack the evening without spiraling. Nona and my father were my heroes this evening, while Roselyn and David are my real and found family at the same time. Full of gratitude for their presence in my life, my heart feels some hope by the time Emunah is at my door.
“Hi Aunty Lily.”
“Hi kiddo. Let’s go say goodnight to Nona before we put these on, so we don’t scare her, but we’ll take the secret passage.”
Meaning, let’s cut through the shared bathroom because I don’t want to engage with anyone I don’t need to right now.
We exit through the back of my room to the jack-and-jill bathroom and go out the other side to Nona’s room. She’d left her bathroom door open and was sitting at her vanity.
She sees Emunah and knows that is my way of asking her not to talk about anything serious for now.
“Look at you two with your matching pajamas.” She smiles at us. My Nona is still a tall woman, and if you didn’t know her, she’d be intimidating, I suppose. But her smile is disarming. It’s a warm grin that takes over her entire face. And whether she’s wearing a night gown and robe or an Oscar de la Renta dress, she becomes as warmth and genuine midwestern charm the moment she smiles.
“We wanted to say goodnight.” I kiss her on the head.
“Good night, dears.”
“I love you, Nona.” Em tries to kiss her head but can only reach above her ear.
“I love you both so much.” She looks at each of us. “Anyone want a hug tonight? Or are we having a hands-off day?”
Emunah and I grin at each other and move in to give her the awkward sideways hugs we are both known for.
After the masks, we start a new chapter of Em’s book but it’s so late she’s fast asleep within minutes. It’s then I realize I am okay. More than okay.
That’s when I checked my phone and saw something new had happened. My brothers and sisters have started to rally for me. Most of my mother’s master manipulation of her children has involved having individual encounters with each of us and then spinning her side of the story to the rest of us—pitting us against each other. Tonight, however, we were all a witness to her being… well, herself. In response, my siblings—well, most of them—messaged me after I went to my room. The first text was from Arjun.
Arjun
Thanks for the curry and the Passover-naan. It was really awesome of you to do that.
Tamar also texted me, thanking me for making her husband feel so included. Her three kids all sent me texts, thanking Nona and me for the dinner.
A bit later, Joseph and his husband had left me a voicemail. They sound like they went out for drinks on top of whatever wine they had with dinner. To be honest, it sounds like it was fun. I can hear a busy club and house music in the background of their message.
“My mother-in-law is a bitch.” Eli laughs into the phone without humor. “Dinner was awesome and we’re so glad we got to see how happy you are here.” I hear the sounds of what must be Joe grabbing the phone. “You’re a good person Lily. If there’s something going on with Josh, he’s lucky. If not, it’s his loss. You… deserve more than you ever got.”
Nothing from Daniella, which tracks. She probably didn’t notice anything had happened. Must be nice. Her husband, Justin, texted me, thanking me for dinner and hoping we could go for drinks before they leave town mid-week. Bless his heart.
That’s a hardmaybe.
Honestly, my heart may ache, but it’s mostly because my siblings were supportive in a way I didn’t expect some of them to be. I mean, they are kind of a mess, but they showed up for me tonight, and I would never have known that it would be possible if it were not for this dinner. I realize I may not be the only child in my home that has grown into someone that needs therapy. As alone as I felt for so long, my brothers and sisters may not have had it as easy as I once thought. As I was led to believe. Snuggling into my cozy bed, I know. I look forward to getting to know each of them in a new way.
What Did You Expect?
Josh, Lincoln, Passover Evening, Night 1, 2025
Passover Seders seem to get longer every year. Even tonight, when we’ve done an abridged version to avoid provoking exhaustion-associated tantrums from my nieces. It isn’t just this Seder, though. Lately, everything seems to take longer than necessary. The line at the grocery, the wait on hold with an insurance company, the line at the coffee shop. Every person seems to want to talk about unnecessary bullshit when all I want is quiet. My increased irritability is in part because I’ve cut out alcohol temporarily. After getting hammered every night, drinking too much, and too often, I could see it was getting out of hand. Since I’m on call tonight, I can’t even drink the obligatory Seder wine. I’m on the grape juice along with the kids.
I’m depressed.
It’s no wonder. In the last month, my life blew up, and I had to start over after a rather public humiliation. I was abandoned by my practice and people I had considered my friends. And then there’s Lily. Well, there’s no Lily, is the thing.
Finally, it’s time to eat the actual meal. I feel relief because my body is hungry, but I can tell I’m just going through the motions.
I miss her.
Closing my eyes, I sigh.
