Page 8 of Delayed Intention
The truth is my siblings and all of my cousins could get married, and I know I will be all right on my own. I’m certain I’m better off this way. If only everyone would stop bugging me about it because that’s the only part of being single I don’t like—the negative attention from my family. I have always believed love does exist. I love the idea of love. Cozy romance movies and books are my jam. There just isn’t someone out there for me. And even if there were, what would I do with them? Sit a comfortable two feet away and hang out? I just wish my family believed that I knew my mind.
I am considering trying to manufacture some semblance of enthusiasm for my brother’s upcoming nuptials, but Roselyn would call out my lie, and she’d be right.
“Lily, I thought maybe you’d be upset. You’d tell me if you were, right? I wouldn’t judge.”
“Roselyn, I promise, I’m not upset.”
She takes a breath. “Okay, I don’t understand, but I hear you and I believe you. You should know, though, Mom is furious he had the nerve to ask someone before you could get married.”
“That’s ridiculous. This isn’t Victorian England. I can be unmarried before, during, or after my little brother and be a fully functioning person.”
“You know that’s not what mother wants for you.”
“Oh, I know. Speaking of that, do you know did she hear about my date? Using that term loosely, by the way.”
“Oh, Lily, what happened? Was it horrible?” Ros and her husband are the only people on my side who also wish mom would stop setting me up every week. Roselyn even told me once that Mom should work toward accepting me as I am rather than trying to fix me all the time. Of course, I’m pretty sure Roselyn thinks I’m gay. Which I’m not. But I also have not dared to tell her about the real issues at hand. So, I haven’t dispelled that misunderstanding either. One day, maybe, I will tell her the truth.
“It wasn’t bad or anything, although it did end in about ten minutes. Might be a new record for me. He knew going in he didn’t want to date me. That was my impression anyway.”
“Listen, little sister, I love you and totally support you, okay?”
I smile. “I know Ros, and thank you for saying so.”
“I have an ambulance coming in—gotta run.”
“Bye, Ros.”
“Bye.”
Two more missed calls from Mom. I wonder if she could see me as I am, see the truth about me, maybe she would just leave me alone. Of course, I did try to tell her the truth—once—and she did what she always does. She didn’t believe me and made her own version of the truth.
This dating issue was one way my mother proved to me that when it matters the most, she cares more about what people think about the family than how I am. She’d proven that before, when the unthinkable happened to me. That was the most horrific period of my life and is still proving to be a major obstacle when I am trying to date. I trust no one. I sigh again, thinking about how I didn’t even bring it up to my therapist until three weeks ago. Even then, I couldn’t tell Monica—I had to ask her if I could write it in a letter.Pathetic.
Mom is calling again as indicated by her name appearing on my phone.
To hell with it.
“Hi Mom!” I try for cheery and breathless. “Sorry, busy evening, what’s up? I missed some calls from you?”
“Lily.” I could practically hear the smile on her perfect lips, which was more ominous than her anger would be. I understand now, from Monica, that my mother gets something out of feeling superior to other people, and I’ve always been her easiest target. With a sense of panic, I realize she is talking and I’m not listening.
“…and you’ve been given every opportunity to have a full life,” I guess we are going into the vault for this lecture, “and instead you have that terrible job being an assistant rather than the physician you should be.”
I bite my tongue as my mother insults my entire profession because I’ve been to this party before, and there is no point in bothering to defend myself or my colleagues. I look down at my smartwatch and see my heart rate is now up to 110 as I wait with trepidation for whatever real insult is coming my way. Right now, she’s still in her warm-up exercises.
“Now, after wasting so much time and not working to improve yourself, your brother is going to have to get married ahead of you.” Okay, Ros warned me about this, and that wasn’t so bad.Thank you, Roselyn.Of course, she could just be gearing up for the big finale. I steady my nerves by pinching the skin on the inside of my arm, hard.
“You know, Lily, I did not want to say anything…” She takes an opportunity to sigh as I reflect thatnothinggood has ever come after that phrase in the history of the spoken word, “…but if you loved me, you would at least make an effort to improve yourself. Did you know Edmond got engaged three months ago?”
Wait, what?
“…but no one could bring themselves to tell you because we just knew you would be devastated that your little brother was getting married before you.”
What the hell?
And right now, I don’t know what hurts more: the fact that she truly doesn’t know me well enough to know I would have been happy for my brother rather than making it about me. Or the possibility that she does know me well enough to understand the way to break my heart would be to have the rest of my family keep a secret from me.
And then, like Lucy Westenra, I expose my neck for the real pain by confirming, “Everyone knew but me? Even Roselyn?”
