Page 48 of Delayed Intention
I look at my home with fresh eyes. The stained glass around the front door is backlit by an interior light. The combination of wood siding and stone makes it look like the mountain refuge it is.
“Thanks. It’s a great house. Early 20th century and renovated by the previous owners. I’ve been happy here.”
After we unpack everything, I sit at the kitchen table, and Lily comes over and joins me in the opposite chair.
“Lily. You’re my friend and I want to keep it that way.”
“Josh.” Lily groans and looks at her hands, then back up at me. “I’m not talking about not being friends. I’m talking about something that friends can do sometimes. Besides, do you know how hard it was for me to put myself out there like that? Ask you what I asked you?”
“I can imagine.” I sigh. “Look, I don’t want to hurt you. What you’re asking for, something casual… I don’t know that we can do that. There’s too much history between us.”Throwing her words back in her face. Classy and a coward.
Catching her downcast expression, I reach out for her hand and, after a moment, she relents, giving me her right hand, which I hold in mine.
“Lily Anna, I heard you, what you said. I just want to reiterate that I don’t think I can do this with you in a way that won’t end up being a dumpster fire.”
“So, it’s not me, it’s you?” She’s glaring at me, and I don’t blame her.
“Lily.” I look at our joined hands. It’s surprising how comfortable we both are with the contact. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“What actual experience have you had with men? Other than what you’ve already shared with me?”
“Is that relevant?”
“I think you know it is, and why.”
She pulls her hand away and stands, huffing in what I can see as frustration.
“Okay, fine.” She puts her hands flat on the counter in front of her. “After Dr. Kellerman, I went a little… wild. I had sex with random people. Multiple random people. I was in a rough place for a while.” She stops to make eye contact with me. “The contact aversion thing didn’t bother me because I was disassociated from myself. Not to mention I was drinking a fair amount of alcohol and using drugs. After a while, I just stopped. The sex and the partying became too much. Then I swore off men and dating. Although, it would be very generous to call what I was doing dating. I was just trying to regain a sense of control.”
Feeling a tightness in my abdomen, I think, not for the first time, that if Dr. Kellerman was not already dead, I would kill him with my bare hands.
“Josh, with you, it’s different. I don’t want to think about why. I just know that I don’t want to miss out on that part of my life anymore.”
“That’s not the answer I was expecting.”
“And? Where does that leave us?"
“Look, I want to be clear: you’re beautiful and attraction is not the issue. I’m concerned that hooking up is not realistic for us.”
Lily sighs. “We’re talking in circles and it’s making me hungry. Can we eat now?”
“Sure, let’s make some lunch.” I’m not sure we’ve finished this conversation, but I’ll welcome the distraction.
We work quietly together in the kitchen. I sliced some bread to make us grilled cheese sandwiches. Heating the pan while Lily slices tomatoes and cheese, I glance over at her. She has never looked more beautiful to me than she does at this moment, and I can feel how incredibly tempting her offer is. I’m in over my head already.
“Once we eat, maybe we should put on a movie or something,” I venture.
“Sure, I found these in the fridge, hope it’s okay.” She walks over to the kitchen counter with two beers, and she’s already popped hers open.
I grin at her. “One beer limit though—I think maybe I need to be careful around you.”Okay, that was a bit flirty.
“Honestly, Josh, it’s not like I am some kind of seductress that is going to sway you to go against your noble intentions.”
You have no idea what power you have over me.
“No comment.” I reach out and take my beer.
