Page 39 of Delayed Intention
“That makes two of us. Let me know when you hear back from them and if there’s anything I need to do on my end.”
“I will. But don’t hang up yet, Lily.”
“Josh, I’ve got to run. My grandmother needs me. We’re just sitting down to lunch.” And with that, she hangs up.
I’d been hoping after a bit of cooling off that she would be more receptive to talking to me. But my hope is clearly in vain.
“I screwed this up, Ginger.”
Ginger glances at me with her usual unconditional grin in place before continuing to stare out of the passenger window. I do what any self-respecting man does in this situation and call my mother. She also has been cool with me since the third night of Hanukah, but of course, she picks up on the second ring, as she always does.
“Joshua, my wayward son.”
“Hello, Eema.”
“Eema, is it? You wouldn’t be trying to butter me up?”
“I screwed up Mom.”
“I gather you haven’t made up with Lily yet?”
“She won’t talk to me. I mean, I just talked to her briefly, but only because it was about the wedding, and she felt obligated. It was a very… professional interaction.”
“Well, what did you expect Josh? The entire night you acted like she wasn’t there. That was uncomfortable enough for all of us, and then, with everything that happened...”
“Yes, I know, I was there. How do I fix this? Do you think I can fix this?”
“Maybe. That poor girl has been through enough.”
“I feel like shit about it. I can see now that I wasn’t considering her feelings. I was thinking about me.”
That level of insight stuns my mother into silence, which hangs between us before she speaks again.
“Well, that’s more self-honesty than I usually expect from you. No offense,” she adds.
“The truth is,” I might as well be honest, “I don’t think I know how to be a good friend to a woman. I know how to be a colleague, and I think I am a decent son and brother. But a friend, to a woman? An attractive woman? I hope you’re not too disappointed in me.”
“Josh, my dear, I love you. Of course, you are a wonderful son. And you are an incredible uncle and brother. But you have a thing or two to learn about women. Do you know what you need to do now? Tell her the truth. Didn’t this all start with a letter? Write to her. Be honest. Tell her what you’ve told me. The alternative would be to let her go and leave her alone.”
I already know I can’t let her go—I’ve not been able to do that since that night at Rose’s house. I’ve thought about it, but instead, I keep sending pathetic texts that are read and not answered. My mother and I talked some more, and she let me know how Rose has been progressing. After catching up on all her news, we ended the call.
All of this started with a letter of apology. Either it will finish with one or continue with one but now I know what I must do to reopen the door of communication. The minute I arrive at the hotel in Laramie, I sit down to write Lily a letter.
Another Letter
Josh, Laramie, Wyoming, January 2025
Dear Lily Anna,
I hope this letter finds you well.
I suppose by now, you have moved into your grandmother’s house, and hopefully, the winter in Nebraska is not making you regret your decision. I’m currently working at our Laramie clinic. They’ve already started to have a bad flu season here and maybe it’ll be busy enough that I’ll forget to be miserable, but the truth is, I’m often thinking of you, and I can’t imagine I’ll stop.
I regret how things are broken between us because of my stupidity.
You once asked me to forgive you for making a mistake. I want to make it clear that I have forgiven you. That is unconditional. The more I’ve gotten to know you in the last few months, the more I realize there is nothing to forgive.
And now I’m the one asking for forgiveness.
