Page 32 of Delayed Intention
“You guys are in here. I put Emunah in with me if she’s up for that.”
“Are you kidding? She’ll love that.”
“There’s another room, if you remember, but I didn’t think she’d want to stay by herself.”
“You’re right about that. Do you mean it, Lils? You’re considering moving here?” She hasn’t called me Lils in more than twenty years.
I set their bags down on the bed.
“I am—I would miss the hell out of you, but I think this may be the best thing for me. I’m so calm here with Rose. And how much time does she even have left? I think I’d regret it so much if I didn’t do it.” I leave off what I’m thinking—that our mother is responsible for the time we’ve missed.
“There you are, Roselyn!” Nona is in the doorway, beaming at us. “I fixed us all a nice supper and was just getting to know your lovely husband and charming daughter. Come and join us.”
Roselyn dropped her bags and moved over to Nona in a few quick strides. Throwing her arms around our grandmother, she is sniffling again. “It’s so good to be here, Nona. I’m so happy to see you again.”
“It’s wonderful to have you here, dear. Welcome back.”
Deciding to give them privacy, I moved past them into the hall and headed toward the dining room to finish setting up for supper. When our grandmother and Roselyn join us at the dining room table, my sister is red-eyed but smiling. My heart fills to burst at the sight of the two of them reunited in person. David and Emunah file in behind them and find their seats around the big table. Nona assures David she keeps a kosher home, and for some reason, this consideration on her part is what makes my own eyes misty. So many people I love in one place, together.
Nona insisted on cooking everything herself, and we enjoyed roasted chicken, spicy noodle rice, and roasted vegetables. Nona had made chicken nuggets and set aside plain rice for Emunah as I’d suggested. I continued to keep quiet and observe as they caught up with each other, in awe of how easy-going David was, considering he hadn’t seen my grandmother in years. Emunah was nervous intermittently but also seemed to settle in as the meal progressed. After dinner, I helped clean up while David and Emunah played with the dollhouse.
Roselyn walked into the kitchen just as I was finishing up and drying my hands.
She smiled at me. “Do you want to go for that walk?”
“Sure, let me grab my hat and coat.”
In the front hall, we put on our snow boots and head out.
“Okay, just to caution you,” I know there is no way this will be easy, but I need to prepare her with some kind of trigger warning. “This is going to be unpleasant.”
“Okay. Whatever you need to tell me, I’m here for you, Lily.”
“Thank you, Ros.” And I mean it. I was lonely for so long. I sigh deeply. “So, do you remember back when I was about fifteen and I worked for Mom’s friend, Dr. Kellerman?”
“I do.” Roselyn swallows audibly as if she knows where this might be going. “He was the one who committed suicide… accused of… Oh my God. What are you telling me?” She stopped walking. Unable to look her in the eye, I kept going, and she moved to catch up.
“The truth, I’m afraid.” My palms start to itch, and I do my best to ignore them.
As we continue walking through a weighted silence, Roselyn clears her throat. “How bad was it?”
I glance at her briefly and then look ahead.
“The worst. He framed it as a means to help me get over my aversion to being touched by people.”
“My God,” she muttered under her breath.
“Look, if you don’t mind, I’m going to just spit it all out because I can barely speak about this with my therapist, let alone you, and at some point, I may just stop because I can’t talk about it.” I start walking again.
Roselyn keeps pace with me.
“Okay, I understand. Whatever you need.” Her voice sounds far away.
“Until recently, I hadn’t told anyone since it happened in 2005, and it’s still really difficult for me to discuss details.”
“Listen,” Roselyn stops me with a hand on my arm and pulls it away when she sees me flinch. “Sorry. I just want to say—you tell me what you’re comfortable with and nothing you aren’t. It’s just, what did you mean you didn’t tell anyonesince2005? Did you tell someone then, and they didn’t help you? Who was it, Lily?”
Despite her calm tone, I can see that Roselyn looks murderous.
