Page 3 of Delayed Intention
“You okay, Lily Anna?” And God,I love itwhen he calls me that. My real name is Lily Shoshana, but I told him once I loved the name Anna, and he remembers. Because that’s what Josh does. I also like it because he’s the only person who calls me that.
“Of course, why?” That’s when I realize I’ve paused with the shot glass in front of my mouth, which must look insane.How long have I been frozen like this? Itoss the drink back, hoping he won’t ask me what’s on my mind.
“You kinda paused, you know?”
“Yeah.” And this is when the schnapps flipped a switch in my brain. Now, feeling less nervous, I carefully study him. Seeing him like this, I can’t think of a time I haven’t felt infatuated with him. Can he see how I feel? Should I flirt with him?
“Hey, Lily?” Josh snaps me out of my head.
“Yes, Josh.”
“You sure you’re feeling alright? You seem…strange.”
I smile at him with closed lips, careful to hide my gappy teeth.
“I feel…” I close my eyes to think about what parts of how I feel I can say aloud. All this while I lean back against the edge of Josh’s bed.
“I feel wonderful.” Turning my body to face him again, still leaning against the bed, I determined that flirting should be the next move I made. “I’m glad we did this.”Stop sounding so eager.“I mean, it’s chill.”
“Yeah?”
“Uh-huh.” The warmth from the alcohol is now humming through my body, starting to shush the voices in my head that plague me. I’ve only had a bit of wine here and there before—nothing close to what I drank tonight. And this feels amazing, but also a little out of control, like I can’t keep from saying everything I’m thinking.
Oh God.There are things I don’t want to think about, let alone blurt out loud.Okay. Focus on something flirty but not weird.
“I was thinking… I was surprised you wanted to be here with just me.”
“Why do you always think that, Lily?”
“You don’t know how it is for me at home.”You think I’m something; they think I’m nothing.
I look over, and Josh is shuffling music on his MP3 player, which he’s got attached to a speaker. He looks up at me and smiles. He’s such an easy person to be around—I can’t explain it, but I feel calmer around him than I do around most people. His mom, Georgette, is awesome too. She and my grandmother are best friends—that’s how we met. When I was little, I wished that Georgette was my mother. That’s not how it is, though. Besides, that would make Josh my brother, and that would be weird. Part of me wishes my mom would get so sick of me that she’d send me to live with my grandmother. I don’t have that kind of luck, though.
I’ve never felt at home with my family. My siblings are all tall, blonde, and sporty. My mom was a model before she became a doctor, and all my brothers and sisters look like her. Not me. I’m average height with frizzy brown hair like my dad’s, and my boobs are way too big. People think they want that, but when you don’t have options, let’s just say it is one of many things I wish God had done differently with me. My siblings are also all great at school, and I just struggle. For most of my life, I’ve had too many worries and fears, and the strongest emotion my mom seems to have for me is annoyance, while my dad just seems indifferent. As far as my brothers and sisters go, I just try to stay out of their way. But with Josh, he almost makes me feel like I’m as cool as he is.
Josh settles on playing a Weezer album and sits back down, facing me the way I’m facing him.
My liquid courage starts talking before I can think better of it. “You know where my favorite place in the world is?”Be careful.
“Tell me, Lily Anna, where’s your favorite place in the world?”
“My favorite place is Estes Park. When we all go there. Hiking, riding horses. My brain is quieter there. Did you know my brain was loud?” Josh looks like he is about to answer, but I keep going. “I mean, Nebraska is great, because of Nona Rose. And you’re here.”Oh God. That’s close to the truth.
“Estes is your favorite place?” He is looking at me in a way that has me swooning.
“Yeah, because of the mountains. If I love a place on this planet, it’s the mountains in Colorado. They scare me when we drive in—I mean, how do those cutouts for the roads stay stable? One day, I wish I could live there and be a park ranger.” I throw back another shot.
Josh, who knows I come from two generations of physicians, raises his brows at me.
My verbal diarrhea goes on—aworld without end.
“That’d be my dream job. I made the mistake of telling my mother that once.” I can hear that my words are slurred a bit, so I slow down to concentrate on what I’m saying more. “I’m meant to be a doctor, not a park ranger.” I lurch forward to make a point of making eye contact. Josh blinks at me when I get too close to his face.Yikes.I try to pull back.“The idea of having to go to that much school makes me want to run away from home, and also vomit, so I try not to think about it.”
Josh looks fascinated, watching the unraveling of my typical quieter self. He has this gorgeous half-smile on his face that makes me want to kiss him so much. “I’m sure your mom would be happy whatever you wanted to be in life.”
I let out a fake laugh. “Josh! You know I must be a doctor. And my mom is not your mom,” I’m poking him in the chest now. “You are very beautiful, you know that? And I am glad we don’t have the same mom.”Oh God, in heaven, why can’t I pass out or vomit or something less embarrassing?
“Thank you,” Josh says, not unsettled by my ranting and fully smiling at me now. “You are beautiful too. I’ve always thought so.”
