Page 59 of Delayed Intention
“You know what, I almost am.” I toss back a shot and look at him again. “And you might as well just call me Josh.”
No Thank You
Lily, On the Road to Estes Park, March 2025
Josh’s text message has me worried. While filling up at a gas station, I read it over for the sixth time.
Josh
Lily, I can’t talk for a while. Also I’m drunk and my phone is on do not disturb. I told you I don’t do relationships. Just so we’re clear, this benefits thing is over. Have a good night.
After everything we’ve laid out between us, he should know that the benefits can be set aside, but not our friendship. He is stuck with me. I could no sooner abandon him in a time of trouble than I could change the color of the sky. I can’t lie to myself, not the way I used to. His message stings, but it feels like he meant for it to. He wants to set me at arm’s length, and there has to be a reason why. As insecure as I can be, I’m aware it may have little to do with me. Not only in the sense that he has intimacy issues,obviously, but my internal radar is alarming. Something feels wrong, and I need to take action because, setting everything else aside, he’s too important to me to do nothing when I can tell he may be in pain.
His text makes no sense when I look back at the Purim party. Maybe it’s just my wishful thinking, but I thought we had a wonderful night. At worst, it was at least a good night. He seemed happy enough when we said goodbye.
Without much of a plan beyond the aim of staging whatever intervention or assistance he may need, I hop in my car. I need to call Nona and tell her I’m going to be away for a night, but it occurs to me I also want to ask for help. I have no game plan since I have nothing to go on other than his cryptic text and a hunch. Thank God, Nona has a nurse scheduled to be with her tonight, so she’ll be fine in theory, but I want to confirm before I up and leave town.
She answers on the second ring.
“Hello, Lily.”
“Hi, Nona.”
“Hi there, sweetie. Will you be home soon?”
“Something came up with Josh. I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I feel like I need to go up there. Are you going to have a nurse with you tonight? I wanted to double check.?”
“Yes, dear, the nurse is already here.”
“Okay.” I let out a surge of air I hadn’t realized I was holding. “That’s a huge relief.”
“You’re driving there now?” She sounds a bit worried about the idea; I can tell by her tone.
“Yes. I wouldn’t if it weren’t important. I checked the weather, and it is going to be clear. I know the drive well enough, and I’m hoping to get down there mostly in the light of day. Please, try not to worry.”
“I’m not worried about your choice, dear—you have a good head on your shoulders.” I can hear her belief in me and almost see the smile on her face in my mind’s eye. The kind of support my own mother was never able to show me. “My concern, dear, is how you will drive through the mountains. Will Josh come to get you?”
I have the same thought, and I work hard to keep it out of my voice. The drive to get me up there is paramount—I simply must try.
“Well, I’m hoping since it’ll be nearly dark, I’ll be able to power through.” I paused, wondering how much to say. “If I need to, I can get a taxi from outside of town. Besides, I’m pretty sure Josh is drunk, so he wouldn’t be able to rescue me this time. I don’t think I can explain it—I have this sense that I need to try and show up for him. He texted, and he didn’t sound like himself. Now, he has his phone notifications turned off, and I can’t reach him. I need to make sure he’s okay.”
“Well, dear, follow your instincts—but be careful, okay?”
“Of course, Nona. You haven’t heard about anything that could have happened to upset him?”
“No, I’m sorry, I haven’t. And I just talked to his mother a little while ago.”
“I have an idea. Do you have Michelle’s phone number? Josh’s sister?”
“Oh, sure, I do. Do you want me to text it to you?”
“That would be great, Nona; thank you.”
“Love you, Lily. Drive safe.”
“I love you too, Nona. I’ll text you when I get there.”
I pull into the gas station to grab a coffee and snacks when my phone vibrates. Nona has texted Michelle’s number. I take a few deep breaths. There’s something I find unsettling when I call people I don’t know well. At one point in my life, I couldn’t do it at all. Not being able to read social cues well in others is one thing, but over the phone—my anxiety can spike without that face-to-face interaction. As much as I am afraid, I want to try. In my gut, I know something is off, and maybe Michelle has something to go on. I gather my courage and call her.
