Page 4 of Delayed Intention
“No way—” I put my free hand on his arm, and we both looked at it, “Did you just say that or did I imagine it? Is this being drunk? Because I really, really like it.”
Josh laughs, “You feel that way now, but you might change your mind when the hangover comes.” He turns more serious and reaches his free hand to twirl a strand of my hair around his finger. My heart stops a beat, along with my breath.What is happening?“And yes, I said that. You are very pretty, Lily.” That stuns me into silence. My brain, which is never quiet, is suddenly completely blank.
I sigh, without restraint. I attempt to refocus on Josh and realize he is still staring at me.
“You sighed,” he says with that kissable half-smile on his face. This is not like the smirk my brothers give before they say something cruel. This is a small smile that fully reaches his eyes. His dreamy blue eyes.
“I’m so happy.”Easy Lily.
“Really? Why’s that?” Did he move closer? Or did I?
“Because I’m here with you.”
Oh my God.In my fifteen years, I’ve had almost no experience with boys. I mean, I see them at school. And I’ve got brothers. And a father. But not this kind of experience. The possibly romantic kind. I mean, there’s the heinous thing that I’m trying not to think about, but that’s not romantic -it’s disgusting, and I refuse to think about that now. I squish my eyes closed, trying to erase all thoughts of that nightmare.Shut up, shut up, shut up.
“Lily.” I open my eyes again and look at him. Josh almost appears nervous, which must be my imagination because he is so brave. I hold my breath, ready for him to tell me something that will hurt my feelings. I find that if I expect the worst, reality may not hurt as badly when it happens.
“Yes, Josh.” I try for a smile, then remember my gappy teeth and immediately stop.
“I want to tell you something.”
“Okay.”Please don’t break my heart. You are the only person in my life who is kind to me besides my grandmother; it would be pathetic if it were only her.
“I like you.” Oh. Okay. He must mean like a friend or a sister.
“I like you too, Josh.”Like I love you and want to run away together to Mexico. Or Paris.
He tries again. “I mean, Ireallylike you.” His eyes are fixed on me with an intensity that I’ve not seen outside my dreams.
“Okay.”Okay?!?!? You are so smooth, Lily.It is a wonder you don’t have at least ten boyfriends.
“Lily Mendes.” He takes a breath. “Can I kiss you?” My eyes open wide, and I realize he’s blushing; is this happening?
Then, the vile memories from home that I’ve been trying to erase from my head start flashing like images from a horror movie in my mind.No! I’m not in Maryland, I’m in Josh’s room, I’m with Josh.If this is real, this is mine, and nothing bad can come here right now. My hand on Josh’s arm squeezes a bit tighter.
“Joshua Cohen, I’m in Nebraska. In your room.”
He looks puzzled but amused.
“Yes, you are. So, what do you think?”
I nod my head and look him in the eye. “Yes, please. That was for the kissing.”Please, God, let me just have this kiss. Let me not freak out or overreact. His touch on my arm has been okay. I can do this.“Yes, please—I would like a kiss. The truth is, I’ve always wanted a kiss from you.”
Wow, just when I thought I could not be any more of a nerd. I shouldn’t drink. The bravery benefits seem greatly outweighed by my tendency to overshare.
Oh, right, Josh is here, in front of me, and he wants to kiss me. I refocus on our eye contact. His face has transformed—he smiles with his eyes and mouth—so I lean forward to kiss him on the lips—just as he does the same. It is too much momentum too fast, and we bump heads, and both start laughing.
He stops laughing, though, and so I stop, too, and we look at each other again. The room is spinning a bit, but he is my center, so I do not drop my gaze.
He says, “Let me try that again.”
“Okay,” I whisper back.This is real; what happened in Maryland is not.
He puts his hands on my shoulders and this time I hold still. He leans in, not closing his eyes, and presses his lips to mine. Then, closing his eyes, he cocks his head one way, and I naturally meet his movements with a turn of my head the opposite way. The kiss is everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s electric, and our intensity is increasing as it goes on, spreading warmth everywhere inside of me. I don’t know if he’s ever done anything like this before, but he seems to be good at it, based on the fireworks going off inside me. I realized right then that I didn’t want to know if he had done this before because the jealousy might ruin this for me. So, I close my eyes and lean into him.
After what seems too short a time, he pulls back from me, hands still on my shoulders, and smiles again.
“Thank you,” he says.
