Page 26 of Delayed Intention
“Well, if I don’t die of embarrassment, I’ll be fine.” I wipe tears from my face with my gloved hand. “The answer to your question is I don’t know. Before I screwed everything up, you were one of the rare people I felt at ease with. Now I have a few other people. I mean, I feel comfortable around patients because it’s professional, not personal. And my best friend, Abbie. And some other people, like Roselyn.”
“Okay. I just was wondering if there is something I could do…to help put you at ease?”
Yes, stop looking like the fantasy of every Jewish mother who wants to set her daughter (or son) up with a doctor. Could you do that, Josh?
“Well, I guess we could try going out for a drink?” I laugh, but it’s half-hearted, and he still looks concerned.
“We could do that.”
“I think it’ll get easier for me after some time. I just have a bunch of thoughts in my head, and frankly… I’m sure I shouldn’t share all of them with you, but that’s part of why I am feeling awkward. My thoughts, I mean.”
“Your thoughts.” He is shifting his gaze to one of suspicion. “What kinds of thoughts? Like you don’t think I would hurt you or something?”
“Oh no, nothing like that. I’d rather not say. Can we keep hiking? I think I’ve caught my breath.” I rewrap the rest of the sandwich.
He raises his brows at me. “Okay, let’s go.” He puts his hand out to help me up, and I take it after hesitating. There’s that feeling again. It’s not like he touches me and fairies land on my skin, or I’m swooning. It’s more of the shock that I can casually touch this man and feel okay with it. Like it’s the most ordinary thing in the world. For me, it is not.
As we get closer to the last two lakes, the trail becomes steeper, and our focus is on the hike. Passing Dream Lake, the view takes my breath away. The lake itself is incredible. The trees and mountains around us are spectacular. I snap a few photos with my phone. My heart is full and I feel brave for having done this, having come here at all. Making up my mind, I turn back to Josh.
“Look, Josh.” I stop, pausing, as he turns my way, his eyes looking down into mine. “Part of the reason I feel so weird around you is… I haven’t really… What I’m trying to say is…”Ugh, this is so difficult. “I don’t go out and spend time with men. I kind of dated a bunch when I was younger…”Is that what we’re calling it?“And after that, well, my mother used to set me up on these awful dates once a week, but I’d show up in an old sweatshirt and messy hair so they’d leave before we’d even order food. Not anymore, though. I told my mother I’m not doing that ever again, which is a huge win for me. Anyway, I’m getting off topic.” Josh’s eyebrows are nearly up to his hairline thanks to my verbal diarrhea. I glance around and spot small piles of snow on the ground near the trail.
I swallow, pushing my fears aside, and resolve to look Josh in the eye. I take comfort that he is patiently waiting for me to make my point.
“What I’m trying to say is—it’s not you—I’m uncomfortable because I don’t do this.” I gesture between us. “I haven’t really dated anyone. Not that this is a date.”Nice one.“What I mean is… I don’t spend time with men, outside my family or work.”
I’ve done other things, things I’m not proud of in the present, and my face flushes at the very idea of havingthatconversation withthisman. With that, my courage has burned out, and before I can even register his reaction, I scramble up the rest of the trail without waiting for him, trusting him to follow. I push myself forward to climb up the last stretch of the path and over the final crest.
I’m rewarded with the breathtaking sight of Emerald Lake, reflecting the bluest sky I have ever seen. From my perch on the highest boulder I could climb to, it’s hard to find words that capture how beautiful this place is. The perfectly placid water is a mirrored reflection of the surrounding evergreens and sky. The snowy mountains and pine trees encircling the lake look surreal as if I’d stumbled into a painting.
I feel Josh catch up behind me without even looking. There’s no one else here right now, and I start to feel a sense of urgency to leave. I take a big gulp from my water bottle, snap a photo of the lake with my phone, and before Josh can say one word to me, I briefly smile at him.
“Race you to the bottom?”
Without waiting for an answer, I breeze past him and head back down the trail we just climbed.
This time, gravity is on my side, and we don’t say much as we head back at a rapid clip. I’m mortified, but at the same time, I’m relieved the truth is out there. It was hanging over me like a cold bucket of water balanced over a door frame. Now, it’s done. My current problem is that I’m sure he has questions that I’m not looking forward to answering.
We arrive back at the car, both of us huffing and out of breath.
He looks down at me, which I’m not sure I can get used to, and cocks his head to the side. “I am getting the feeling that there is more to this than you’re ready to talk about.”
“That would be a correct assessment.”
“Okay. Let’s go let Ginger out, grab some lunch, and get that drink.”
Relieved at the chance to procrastinate, I jump into his vehicle and we silently ride back to town.
Josh drops me off so I can change while he goes home to walk the dog. I quickly throw on a sweater, jeans, and sneakers. After washing my face, I put some moisturizer and lip gloss on and leave my hair in its braid. I wait out on the porch, watching the river. The river here is so loud, it drowns out my head. It moves so quickly; it distracts my eyes. It’s like an audiovisual fidget for my weary head. I don’t know how much time has passed when I hear the knock at the door. I close the door to the porch and walk around to the side door, where Josh is standing with his back to the door.
“Hey.”Oh, good, you’ve remembered words this time.
He turns to face me, dressed in a green and gray flannel shirt, jeans, and olive-green canvas shoes. The green in his shirt makes his eyes a brighter blue, somehow. A feat I didn’t think was possible. He smiles, “Hi. You ready?”
“Yep. Let’s do this.” I step out into the afternoon with him.
“Since we’re going for a drink, I thought we’d walk into town if that’s okay.”
“Good idea,” I say as I walk past him. We walk down to Elkhorn to the first restaurant we find to grab a bite to eat. I devour a grilled cheese and fries while Josh has a tuna melt. Afterward, we walk to the nearest bar.Here’s to making good decisions.
