Page 24 of Delayed Intention
I wait to see if she’s going to give me more, but she’s just watching the river again.
“I remembered you saying how much you love the river,” I say instead.
Lily’s eyes moisten, and my mouth goes dry. She turns to me with a full smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.
“Enough about me already, Josh, what about you? Tell me more about the practice you work in. Do you have friends here? What fills your time? How’s your sister? Nona says she has three daughters, is that right?”
I guess we’re done talking about her for now. I want to know more, but she has this look, asking me to drop it and let her be, so I follow her lead and tell her about Michelle’s girls. Lily visibly relaxes in front of my eyes, and I feel myself starting to settle down as well.
I tell her about Michelle’s recent visit, neatly avoiding the topic of my sister’s opinion of her. I can’t be certain, but I think if Michelle spent a few minutes with Lily, she would be less critical and just feel sorry for her. Lily has a heavy air of regret around her. Her remorse has to be about more than what happened, or didn’t happen, between two half-drunk teenagers. Getting the sense that something else is going on here, I want to know whatever she’ll tell me without running her off again.
After dropping her off, I think about how spending time together has changed my perspective. She has grown emotionally, but also has a fragility about her that reminds me of domestic abuse patients I’ve treated. Maybe the Mendes’ home was a darker place than I had realized. I walk Ginger over to the riverbed and watch her sniff around. It dawns on me that for the first time since 2005, I’m taking a little responsibility for what happened after that night. I was hurt by Dad leaving, over which I had no control, and it was a bit intense. I called Lily so many times, and if I hadn’t been an idiot, love-sick teen whose father had just broken his heart, maybe I’d have had more perspective.
“It is what it is, Ginger Snap,” I say to my dog who is looking at me expectantly, and waiting for our next move. “Let’s go call your grandmother and try to find out what pieces are missing from this puzzle.”
“Hey Mom, how are you?” My mother answered on less than one ring, as if waiting for my call, to hear how it went today. Since I’m not certain whatishappening to me, I’m not inclined to unpack my feelings with my mother. What I want is more information about Lily. As far as I’m concerned, whatever feelings regarding Lily I’m trying to work out are between me and God.
“Never mind that, dear, how was your day?” Confirming what I suspected, I decided to go with a quid pro quo approach. She’s not going to give me anything without hearing some news.
“It was… illuminating?” I pause, trying to figure out how much to share. “She’s different than what I expected. Back when I was angry at her, I thought of her as this cold fish, but she seemed… kind of a mess. Not cold, though. I mean, she’s grown up and matured in some ways. But she’s a bit of a puzzle. To be honest, I was hoping you could fill in what you know about why the Mendes family stopped coming out west.”
Mom paused for a minute, indicating she may know more than I do. “The big thing was that Ellen and her mother had a falling out. I know Rose was concerned about how hard Ellen was pushing her kids, especially how she spoke to Lily. I think Rose was really worried about what she couldn’t see—meaning if Ellen was so mean to her husband and kids in front of others, what could it possibly be like for them in the privacy of their home?” I nod even though she can’t see me. “I don’t know what the straw was that broke the camel’s back, though. Rose tells me everything about herself, but she wouldn’t tell me stories about others—she takes that wholelashon harathing very seriously, as we all should. Besides, even if she told me something, that doesn’t mean I could share it with you.”
I smile at that because, as kind and lovely as my mother is, she does have a hard time keeping a secret. She really must not know anything else.
“I just get the feeling something else has happened, you know?”
“Josh, being Ellen’s daughter and having an anxiety disorder, would be enough to make anyone a bit damaged.”
“True.” Again, I have a strong notion that I want to give Dr. Ellen Mendes a piece of my mind. “Do you think Ellen is a narcissist? Or just deeply unhappy?”
“Honestly, Josh, I can’t begin to imagine what is in that woman’s mind. And again, let’s stop with thelashon hara.”
“Alright, Mom.” I want to give her something else without giving myself away. “Ginger likes her. Lily, I mean.”
“Of course she does, Lily has always been likable. That was never her problem.”
“Not that she knows it.”
“I suppose not, dear.”
With that, I heard my mother yawn on the phone.
“It’s late, I’ll let you go. Goodnight Mom. Love you.”
“Love you too, Josh.”
Initially, I’d thought about asking Rose what happened to Lily, besides the obvious, but after talking to Mom, I realized I would just have to piece it together myself or wait until Lily’s ready to share it with me.
The More You Know
Lily, Estes Park, November 2024
The need to pee is overwhelming, and as much as I don’t want to move, I need to get up before I void in my bed. As my eyes open, one and then the other, I realize I’m not home, momentarily having forgotten where the hell I am. Orienting myself in the dark, I walk my foot right into a dresser. I scream into the darkness, hoping no one can hear me. Once I can focus on something other than the pain in my toes, I remember… I’m in Estes Park. Visiting Josh. Planning a wedding. But not my wedding.
Fumbling for the light switch, I check to ensure my toe is still attached. It’s throbbing, but seems okay. At least, I still have all my toes present and accounted for. Checking the time, I realized my alarm was set to go off in a few minutes anyway. After using the bathroom, I remembered we were planning on going hiking today, so I checked the weather. Yesterday was unusually warm, but today, we will be back to more seasonal weather in Colorado in November, with a high of 42 in the park. I dress in thermals before pulling up my hiking pants to layer up. I grab my knit cap, day pack, granola bars, and a water bottle. I take an aspirin to help prevent altitude sickness, which would not be ideal. At least I’d had a night to get some acclimation. It is always a risk, coming from sea level to this high up, but as long as he is not planning on the Ute trail, I should be okay.
I brew some coffee and sit to center myself for a while. I open theSiddurapp on my phone and say morning prayers before moving on toTehillim. For the last year, I’ve been sayingTehillimevery day for people who are sick. This practice started because I was working with Monica on the anxiety I had about my migraines. At the time, it was like my whole life was having a headache, recovering from one or worrying about the next one. Monica helped me come up with an action to take the focus off myself and turn it toward other people and their suffering. It was my idea to ask the Rabbi what prayers could be said for sick people. She had a couple of suggestions, but saying prayers appealed to me, as opposed to going into the hospital on my day off to volunteer. That may be selfish, but the very idea of hanging out at the hospital more than I have to makes me feel worse, so now I pray. There is also a prayer for the sick to say, but for some reason, saying the psalms resonated more than I would’ve expected. They’re poetic rather than direct, and maybe that’s why.
