Page 37 of Dirty Roxie
She looks at me, searchingly. I shrug in response, having no rationale or excuse.
“If Mack could reach out to Daria, why couldn’t you reach out to me? If our night together really meant something to you.”
And there it is, the question of the year, the one I can’t answer because I don’t know.
“Because you didn’t, not once. When I found out you rescued me, and how upset you were, I thought we’d turned a corner,” she whispers, her voice cracking. “That things would be different.”
“We did. They are. It’s just . . . fuck, Quinn, I don’t think you realize just how pathetic I am. I’m supposed to be this great FBI agent and all this shit is happening right under my nose. David and the kidnappings plus his involvement with Andrei, Daria and her whole vigilante thing she’s got going on, then you right beneath me in Andrei’s basement. I mean, fuck, they could have killed you. They tortured you as it was. Beaten. Starved. I wasright there, and I missed it. Do you get how that makes me feel?”
My chest feels tight. I don’t like admitting all my weaknesses to her. At the same time, we both need to get used to them. I’m an FBI fuck up. Pathetic as a friend and partner, worthless as a boyfriend and lover. Honestly, she deserves more. Everyone in my life deserves more than what I can give them.
“I’m trying to get that, Reed. I am, but all I really know is you left and then I didn’t hear from you at all. And you did it to me twice. Once right after we slept together. To go undercover? I mean, what the hell, Reed?”
“I know. I’m sorry. That was . . . there’s no excuse for that. I shouldn’t have done it. If I could do it over, I would. I promise.”
“And again when I was in the hospital. Then I see you now and you just kiss me like that’s supposed to make it all okay.”
“You kissed me back.”
“Of course I did. You jerk!” She hits me in the chest with her little fist.
“I was happy to see you, even if I am upset that you’re here.”
She opens her mouth to say something. I hold a finger over her lips to silence them. “Not because I don’t want you here, but because it’s dangerous. Andrei is here and we’re trying to take him down, but we haven’t yet. In fact . . . Shit.” I check my phone for the time. I’m late getting upstairs to meet with Ronan and Roxie.
“Can we table this for now? I’m happy to see you. Very happy. But I don’t want you in any danger. Never again if I can help it.” I kiss her on the forehead. She smiles softly.
“I need to get upstairs, I’m late to meet with Ronan and Roxie.”
“They’re here too?” she asks, excited.
“Yes, but we’ve got a lot of work to do, just to warn you. Don’t get upset if we can’t hang out, okay?”
“I’ll do my best,” she says. Then she stretches up to kiss my cheek. “I’m happy to see you too.”
“I’m serious, Quinn. I need you to table your expectations. I like that you came to see me, but—”
“I didn’t come to see you. I already told you, Daria needs to talk to her dad.”
“I know yousaidthat. I just figured—”
“You figured wrong.” She moves to walk ahead of me even though she doesn’t know where we’re going.
And somehow, I’ve pissed her off again. I really suck at this. I want to hold out hope I’ll be able to walk away at the end of this with my girl.
Realistically, I just don’t see it working out that way.
