Page 7 of Love Undecided
Chapter 3
Brad
I text Kat after my shift ends at the fire station. Just a short text asking her to let me know how the appointment with the oncologist goes today. I want her to know that I am thinking about her even though that doesn't seem to make much of a difference most days. Then, to be fair, I send Stacy a good morning text as I’m walking to my truck.
Stacy is the girl I’m fucking, but Kat is the woman I love. Stacy knows I’m not in love with her and that I'm still in love with Kat. She also knows that we aren’t serious, and that this won’t lead anywhere. But that doesn’t deter her in any way from continuing to sleep with me. And I fear that the longer I continue to sleep with her, the more hope she’ll have that it will turn into a relationship.
And it won’t.
Ever.
Continuing to see Stacy, knowing she wants more from this, is a total dick move on my part, but I can't help how I feel. I wasn't planning to date again at all after Kat. I knew she was the one for me the very first time I met her. But, life doesn’t always go as planned.
I start my truck and head toward the rec center, where my cancer caregiver support group is held. I still attend, even though Kat and I aren’t together. It helps to talk about her, makes me feel as though we are still connected somehow. And it helps, even still, to talk about my past and my mom dying so long ago.
The streets of San Soloman are relatively quiet for a weekday morning and I am one of the few cars on the road. It’s the perfect counterpoint to the loud chaos that was last night’s shift - an apartment fire destroyed most of the building. Twenty families waking up without a home today, all because the girl in #12 left a candle burning when she went out for the evening.
I rub my hand against my face, the faint smell of smoke still clings to my skin. It’s difficult to witness the momentary carelessness of one person impact the lives of so many. I take solace in the fact that all the members of each of those twenty families are still around to wake up today - we did our job well.
Most of my support group is already seated by the time I get in the room, I grab a cup of coffee and find a seat. We introduce ourselves, giving our first names and telling the group briefly why we are here. The group counselor starts with the person to my right, making me the last to share.
I make my introduction, and am surprised when the counselor follows it up with, “Brad, why don’t you share something about Kat today?”
I shift in my seat and looking around the room, multiple sets of kind eyes return my gaze, boosting my courage to unleash the hellfire of emotions that is my past with Kat.
“Well, the day I found the lump, I was coming off a forty-eight-hour shift after Kat had already pulled a few all-nighters in preparation for closing a big case. She is, was, an attorney. We hadn't seen each other in over four days. She’d left the door unlocked for me, so I let myself in, showered quickly, and then joined her in bed. She was still in that half-awake sleepy state, you know? Her hair was all mussed and her makeup was smeared under her eyes, but she'd never looked more beautiful. And I knew then, even though I’d only known her a few weeks, that I wanted to wake up next to her every day for the rest of my life.”
I look up at the counselor, and she smiles at me, encouraging me to continue.
“I didn't tell Kat about my feelings, I knew she'd get spooked. So I just kind of tucked it away in my pocket for use at a later time. I'm a sappy guy, I'll admit it.”
My head turns to the right slightly and a half smile takes control of my mouth. As I continue talking, I can see the entire scene playing out as though I’m watching it in a movie.
* * *
I’d kissed her deeply, trying to tell her with my kiss everything I couldn't yet voice. I slipped one hand down between her legs; she was wet for me. She was always wet for me, it was such a goddamn turn on. I grabbed the head of my cock and positioned it at the entrance to her pussy, rubbing it around slightly, spreading her wetness around. She lifted her hips in invitation but I continued to tease her with the tip of my cock.
"In!" she grunted, in case I'd missed the earlier invite. I slid inside of her, groaning with pleasure.
"Fuck, Kat, you feel so good," I said as I sank all the way down into her.
"Mmmm," she replied. I let her roll me over so she was straddling me. I grabbed her hips to help her ride me, pushing her up slightly and pulling her down hard. I could feel her muscles tightening all around me as she came and had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from finishing too quickly. I wanted her to come again, but with me this time.
She kept going, leaning away from me slightly, bracing her hands behind her on my thighs, grinding down on me, riding out her orgasm. Her breasts thrust out, begging for attention, and I complied. Which is when I found the lump. I stilled and sat up, my heart pounding.
"Baby," I said, alarmed.
"No! Don't stop!"
* * *
I shake my head to clear it and bring myself back to the moment and the group in front of me.
“We were making love and I stopped in the middle. I’d felt a lump in her breast. She was mad at first because I’d stopped, so I moved her hand with mine until I found it again. She tried to laugh it off at first, like it wasn’t a big deal. She actually said it was a buzz kill. But I made her feel it again. I remember the look in her eyes, it was like I’d just told her that everything she knew about the world was suddenly wrong. And she was confused.”
I wipe away the beginnings of a tear from under my eye and clear my throat.
“I don’t think she knew what to do. And I didn’t know how to handle her. We’d only been seeing each other for a few weeks. So we got up and tried to treat it like any other day. She took a shower, I made coffee. I tried to bring her a cup, but she’d locked the bathroom door. So, I sat on the floor outside the bathroom until she came out. When she finally did, she asked me what she should do. I just wanted to be strong for her, you know?”
Someone hands me a tissue and I dab at the tears continuing to form in my eyes. I’m not afraid to show my emotions with this group, but the feeling of my own tears running down my cheeks has always had an unsettling effect on me.
“I told her not to worry until there was a reason to worry. That it could just be fatty tissue or something equally benign. I told her she should call the cancer center at the university in San Francisco. That they know their stuff. I mean, even though they couldn’t save my mom... well... you guys know what I’m talking about.”
I tell them about the diagnosis then make the hand motion to show that I’m finished speaking. A finger sliding across the front of the neck; the group’s morbid attempt at humor. The counselor thanks me for sharing and I excuse myself to the restroom to regroup.
