Page 15 of Love Undecided
“Because we wouldn’t be waiting for it to happen.”
“But aren’t we always waiting for death? Every day that we live we get one step closer to it.”
“That’s a pretty morbid thought, even for you.”
Tap. Tap.
“You’ve told me before that you are still in love with Brad,” she says.
I nod.
“And that he is still in love with you.”
I nod again.
“So, tell me, why don’t you think you deserve to love and be loved?”
“Can we talk about something else?” I ask. This whole line of questioning is making me uncomfortable, if I wanted to be more in touch with my feelings, I would be.
“We can. But that doesn’t mean we won’t talk about this again,” she pauses, then says, “What about the other men?"
"I've been slowing my roll. This last week I only brought one guy home. I didn't even have sex with him. Just blew him in the hot tub and kicked him out."
"Are you using protection?"
"I can't get pregnant."
"You know that's not the only reason to use protection," she says.
Tap. Tap.
"I didn't have him wear a condom when I blew him, but I also didn't swallow. I've used one every time I've had sex."
"Do you feel good about the decisions you're making?" she asks.
"Not when you say it like that," I say. “But it's almost like I can't help myself.”
I take a deep breath and let it all out.
“There's this new detective at the precinct and I'm helping on the case. I want to fuck him. But I know that I don't want to make the same mistake I did last time. So, I'm holding back. And I think I feel guilty about Brad. Plus, I have to think that with all the guys out there who I know are totally willing to have sex, why this guy? Especially when I know it's going to be so messy."
"You tell me. Why this guy?"
"Because he's hot," I say.
"Bullshit," she says.
Tap. Tap.
"Because I like to get laid."
"Bullshit."
Tap. Tap.
"Because I want to see how far I can push things before they fall apart."
"Bingo," she says. “Now tell me what you mean by that."
