Page 123 of Love Undecided
I have my girls, I have Brad back, I still have no evidence of disease, the last week has been crazy insane, but starting tomorrow I have my life back. And I’ll have time to relax and just enjoy being me for a while.
Remi and Lexie are talking about the next movie Lexie should show atLovestone’sMovie Night. And I let myself zone out for just a minute so I can examine how I feel. And I realize I feel good. I’m comfortable financially which gives me breathing room to figure out what I want to do next. Because shouldn’t life be about pursuing what you want?
In some really bizarre way, Gil Iverson taught me that. He pursued what he wanted, to his own detriment. Because, of course, what he wanted was illegal, but he still got what he wanted, what he needed. His pursuit was methodical and relentless. Not only did he want the girls. Or at least photographic representations of the girls. But he also wanted to be set free. And in his mind, jail was the only freedom. How that makes sense to him, I’ll never know. But he gave his life to it.
I want to know what I want. And I want to pursue it.
“That’s a lot of wants,” Lexie says smiling.
I didn’t realize I’d said that last part out loud.
“Lucky for you, you have plenty of time to figure out what you want,” Remi says.
“Oh, maybe you should write a screenplay!” Lexie says.
“Or a book, you should write a book!” Remi says.
And we are off and running at the mouth again. Man, I love these girls!
Hours later, I have Uber’d home, showered off the stench of interrogation at the precinct, and am now crawling into bed. Brad is on shift until six a.m. It will be weird to get used to him being here and then not being here again. With his schedule, he’s usually twenty-four hours on, forty-eight hours off. But even that changes sometimes. So I will get him some nights, but not others.
Sigh.
I shouldn’t already be used to him being back after just one night, but I am. I’m such a wuss. I text him a drunken good night and am asleep before I even have a chance to read his response.
