Page 84 of A Rugged Beauty
Abigail turned her face away as she handed the dipper back to her friend. This morning it seemed too difficult to find a tune to hum, to find a smile for her friend. "I'm fine."
But Felicity didn't relent. "You don't seem yourself. A newlywed is supposed to be?—"
"I'm fine," Abigail snapped. Instantly, she regretted taking that tone with her friend.
"Abigail—"
She whirled at Felicity's hesitant word. "I'm not a newlywed," she blurted. "It isn't a real marriage between Hollis and me."
She'd thought saying the words would be a relief, but she felt only guilt at the shocked confusion on her friend's face. And sadness that it was true.
Felicity shook her head, her brows coming together. "I see the way he looks at you."
She couldn't know how harsh a blow her words were.I have nothing to give you.
"And the way you watch him," Felicity went on.
"Hollis married me to keep the peace in camp. To save my reputation. It isn't real. The farce will be over the moment we reach Oregon.”
Felicity watched her face too closely. Abigail was afraid of what her friend saw there. And then the stubborn twist of Felicity's lips. "You love him," she stated clearly.
Despair flowed over Abigail as another roll of thunder boomed in the distance. "I wish I didn't."
The words hung there between the two of them, both true and awful.
"He's lost so much," Abigail whispered. "He won't open his heart again. I tried?—"
She couldn't allow the emotion out now. Not when folks were already gathering for the funeral. When she was needed to help pack up and move out.
Hurt dawned in Felicity's expression. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Abigail swallowed hard. "I should've. Just... everything hurt. And I've tried so hard to smile through it. To keep working, keep my chin up."
She was startled by the sudden tears that slipped free. "I'm so tired," she admitted. "Tired of being frightened of the future and what it holds. I’ve been holding on so tightly since Mam passed, years ago. But out here, there’s no safety to be found.”
Compassion lit Felicity’s eyes. “There are no promises in life,” she said. “Except the ones given by our Father in Heaven.”
Abigail shook her head. Where had God been when Mam had grown sick and died? When Joseph had left? When Mr. Smith had tried to steal her future when he’d stolen her money?
Abigail had been left alone. Left to her own devices to find a new way through.
When she said as much, Felicity’s expression showed pity.
Felicity couldn’t understand.
“Everything in my future changed,” Abigail said. “God took Mam, took Joseph.”
Felicity clasped her hand. “Maybe He was giving you a new future.”
The words dropped into Abigail’s mind like a stone in a smooth pool. Causing ripples all the way down.
Was Felicity right?
Abigail had been desperate and penniless when she’d arrived in Independence. She hadn’t known what her future would hold. But Joseph had already provided. Hollis had taken her on, accepted her into the company.
Hollis, who didn’t want her.
She swiped at new tears with her apron. Her emotions felt at war.
