Page 64 of A Rugged Beauty
He'd made her cry.
Knowing he wouldn't sleep, not now, he slipped from his bedroll and left her and the dying fire behind. He didn't know where to go—he needed to stay close in case anyone came looking for him in the night—but he couldn't bear the physical closeness to her, not when things would never work between them.
He'd only taken a step or two outside the circle of wagons when a shadow appeared out of the darkness.
"August."
His friend slipped from his horse and approached. Hollis had forgotten he'd been on watch.
"What's the matter?" August asked.
"Nothing. Everything." Hollis ran his hand through his hair, only now realizing he'd left his hat behind by the fire.
"Abigail?"
"She makes me..."
"Out of sorts?" There was a definite note of amusement in August's voice, one that Hollis couldn't match.
August seemed to read the tension vibrating through him. The man was mindful and observant. It made him a great tracker, but Hollis could’ve done without it in this moment. He braced for what his friend would say.
"It took Felicity being grabbed by that bandit for me to realize I was the only one standing in the way of my ownhappiness." August's words were quiet and contemplative. He glanced at Hollis in the darkness. "I've seen you weather a lot of hardship leading this company, but I've never seen you as settled as when we found you and Abigail by the river."
"That wasn't real," Hollis insisted.
August let the words hang in the silent darkness between them. His horse snuffled softly in the grass.
Wasn't it? Hollis could hear the words August would've said.
Or maybe that was his own conscience.
That was part of what was driving him to distraction since they'd returned to the company. The memories of his time with Sparrow were so clear. They'd weathered hours fraught with hardship and tension, yet he had felt settled. Almost happy, if that was possible in the dangerous wilds.
"It wasn't real," he repeated.
"Why can't it be?" August asked gently. "You've got a chance to make it real in these weeks before we reach the end of our journey."
"I can't." That truth settled inside him with a deep finality.
"How come?"
"It isn't my destiny to have that."
"What? A wife? A family? Happiness?"
"Any of it. I figured that out after I lost Dinah. I'm cursed." There was almost a relief to finally saying the words. Acknowledging what he'd been so slow to realize. Dinah had been the last loss in a life full of losses. He couldn't take any more. He’d had his fill of grief.
At least August didn't poke fun. He wasn't that kind of man. "I'm not sure the Bible teaches that a man can be cursed like that. Even Job lost everything... but got it all back."
Hollis shook his head.
"You sure you're meant to suffer like that?" August asked.
If there'd been a hint of skepticism in his friend's tone, Hollis wouldn't have answered. "It's easier to go through lifewithout," without happiness, without love, "than to lose it over and over again."
August placed his hand on Hollis's shoulder. "God never promised to keep his people from trouble," he said. "But he did promise He'd never abandon you."
August’s words didn’t touch him. Hollis felt only hollow.
