Page 26 of Private Tutoring
“I…” I tried to deny the guilt, but what else was I supposed to feel? “Isn’t it wrong for me to sleep with anyone else? I still love my wife.”
“And you lost her and your baby girl in childbirth.” Roberto said it slowly, quietly, with the kind of precision that drew out his accent. “It was a tragedy, the kind of pain I would not wishon anyone. Not even my worst enemy. But tonight.” He shook his head. “Tonight, you were happy. We were all happy. I am not ready to give that up.”
“Roberto makes a good point.” Matthew joined in the argument again, this time with more gusto. “We nearly lost you too. In those first few months, I didn’t know if you’d survive. And you’ve been a shell ever since.”
With good reason.I tried to say it, but too much pressure on my chest locked my voice. Grief and anger swirled. Some days, I thought I might be coming out the other side, but there were always moments like this when the crushing weight of it all took me out at the knees.
I locked my legs to keep from wavering.
“It took weeks to convince you to come to New York and teach here.” Roberto spread his hands wide. The office wasn’t much, but it had always reminded me of our friendship.
Roberto kept a single picture of us from college on the shelf behind his desk. Our wide smiles mocked me. Back then, I hadn’t known the power of grief and loss. I’d been a kid with the whole world waiting for me.
“You barely did more than eat and sleep that first year, and there were times I thought we’d have to force feed you.” Matthew patted me on the shoulder. “But that’s what friends do for each other. And that’s why I need you to understand that we’re not trying to hurt you.”
“We would never try to take away your loss or your love,” Roberto added. “But I am asking you to consider the slim possibility that what you’re feeling for Harmony is real.”
“Do you have feelings for her?” I aimed a hard look at Roberto.
He raised one shoulder. “It’s too early to tell. I’m merely asking that you don’t drive yourself back into that pit because you think you’ve been disloyal to your wife.”
These two men pulled me from the deepest, darkest hell on earth. They stood by me when I raved and wished I was dead. They gave me hope when all seemed lost.
To throw all that back in their faces tonight after the extreme pleasure we’d found with Harmony was another kind of betrayal. I had to make a choice. Accept what we’d done and the fact that I had enjoyed it, or beat myself up and fall back into that world of pain.
“I have to get out of here.” I couldn’t think straight with Harmony’s smell in my nose. It was all over my body, muddling my brain and refusing to leave. “I’ll see you at home.” I walked out without a backward glance.
Did I want to sleep with Harmony again? Absolutely. If things were different—if we were not at risk and my heart wasn’t still completely shattered—I would have asked her to come home with us.
What the hell was wrong with me?
13
HARMONY
Somehow, I managed to keep my cool through the night and into the next morning. I dreamed of them and woke up with my entire body thrumming, hot, and tight. If not for the soreness between my legs, I might have thought I imagined the whole thing.
But even my imagination wasn’t good enough to pull off the things they’d done to me. My face flamed when I pulled open the theater room door and caught sight of Matthew standing near the stage. I darted into the women’s bathroom at the back of the room and jumped into the first open stall to check my makeup. My pale cheeks always gave away my blushes, so I’d resorted to makeup to cover the telltale flushes. Digging into my bag, I found the small mirror and held it up, revealing smooth, pale skin. The heat remained in my cheeks, but with the makeup, it looked natural.
I took a breath and stared at myself in the mirror. My nerves jangled worse than on my first opening night, and I clenched and unclenched my free hand until the tingling stopped. How much would things change now that we’d had sex?
This class was my first test of nerves since leaving them last night. I’d taken a huge risk by sleeping with them. I knew it but couldn’t bring myself to regret a single minute. I’d felt safe with them, safer than I’d ever felt with anyone.
There was no coercion, no threat of retribution. They’d asked if I wanted to, and I had been more than happy to say yes.
All I had to do was figure out how to deal with the fallout and control my reactions. I couldn’t go around blushing and stuttering every time one of them looked at me. Though it wouldn’t be unusual in Stephen’s class.
Fuck. I had to get that under control. Professor. He was my professor. They all were. I was not allowed to say their names out loud, especially not in front of my classmates. It was too conspicuous.
I took a deep breath and smoothed a tiny bit of powder over my cheekbones. They’d brought me pleasure multiple times. Incredible pleasure. The kind that was addictive and made me wonder how I was ever going to have regular sex ever again now that I knew what was possible. I ran a hand down my stomach, lightly touching that sensitive place between my legs. Maybe…maybe I could get myself off before seeing Matthew. It might help.
The bathroom door banged open, and two girls rushed in. Their laughter and excited voices ruined the moment, and I pulled my hand away. The unsatisfied ache intensified. How could I want to have sex again already?
Sighing, I snapped the mirror closed and dropped it into my bag.
“Did you hear about last night?” One of the girls leaned her shoulder against the brick wall and tossed her hair over her shoulder.
I stopped breathing. What about last night? Had someone seen us? Shit. I covered my mouth and tried to remember howlungs worked. The first rasp of breath scorched my throat. My gaze snagged on a long scratch that marred the metal door keeping them from seeing me. Beneath the scratch were two sets of initials. L.S. and M.B. Matthew Bellington? No. Well. Maybe. But not for the reason implied.
