Page 87 of Catch Me
Using my fingers, I dug the marshmallows out and tossed them toward the fire. My first full breath was cut off when I saw that he was chewing through his.
“You’re gonna eat those?”
He nodded. It looked like he was going to laugh again, but he forced a determined expression and kept his attention on the fire. I scooted into his line of sight and waggled my eyebrows. Squeezing his eyes shut to avoid my taunts, he started patting a rhythm on his thighs that reminded me of the cup song.
“Hey,” I said.
He shook his head. Reaching forward, I stopped one of his hands and held it to his thigh. His eyes opened and locked on me, freezing me in place for a second.
He gave me an expectant look, which snapped me out of it.
“I have to tell you something.” He gestured for me to go on. “You look like a fucking idiot.” I laughed when he shoved my hand away.
Finally, he got all of the marshmallows down and took a long drink of water. “That was ridiculous. Who the hell invented that game?”
“No idea. I can’t believe you’ve never played it. We used to do it during youth group camping trips at church. You didn’t do those?”
He dragged his teeth over his lower lip, then shook his head. “We didn’t really go to church.”
“No summer camps or anything?”
“Just once, and I definitely didn’t do anything like that there.”
For a second, I was confused. When I realized what he was talking about, my lips parted.
“Shit, I’m sorry.”
He cocked his head. “Don’t be sorry. It was a joke.”
“Still, I just . . .”
I blew out a breath and leaned my elbows on my knees. He did the same, which put his face only a foot from mine. The firelight reflected off of his brown eyes, making them look molten. I wondered if I could recreate the effect.
“The whole thing makes me angry,” I admitted. “For your sake.”
“A hell of a lot of people had it worse.”
“Those are their experiences and this is yours. It doesn’t make one more valid than the other.”
“No, but sometimes, I feel like a fraud.”
“I don’t see how.”
He looked past me, and I watched his fingers tap softly on his jeans. “A lot of people haven’t been to conversion therapy, so they can’t fully grasp how it feels. Even though I went to Dumont, it feels like it’s not my place to speak for the others who have. Like,theyshould be the ones talking about it, you know?”
“Yeah, but that’s what being a voice for them is about. You don’t have to have the worst story in order to do that. You’re an inspiration to people, and in a way, you’re an ideal when it comes to that type of situation. You were lucky, so you’re speaking for them, and if they want to speak out but are afraid, maybe you’re encouraging them to do that. Like Sen.”
He nodded slowly, still not looking at me. “I think it’s Sen that made me start to overthink it all. For his situation, he’s sort of an ideal too. He’s hope, you know? Most people who went through what he did would have broken, and he likes to say it’s because of Kai that he didn’t, but nobody can carry you that much. It’s him who’s strong and he’s the one who should have a platform to tell his story.”
“I don’t think there’s any reason you both can’t have that. Not everything is about shock value, you know. His story is more painful, but there are people who will identify with you more, even if their experience is more similar to his. You’re different, and that’s a goodthing. All movements need people from all walks of life, otherwise there’s only so far you can go.”
He took my hand before he finally met my eyes. “Thank you. I’m not someone who really asks for help or encouragement when I need it, but it seems like you always know.”
“I just pay attention, I guess.”
“You’re observant, but more than that, you see things differently. People don’t really see how deep you are, do they?”
When I pulled my hand back, he folded his in his lap again. I thought about calling it a night or maybe going for a walk, but I looked at the orange flickering in his eyes again.
