Page 48 of Catch Me
“It’s literally on my way home. I turned in and saw your car. But I forgot you don’t like when people try to be nice.”
“Do you think we’re friends because we went swimming this morning?”
He laughed and shook his head. “You might find this hard to believe, Roman, but I’m not interested in being your friend.”
“Oh, really?” I asked sarcastically.
“Really. You’re rude, you ‘don’t agree’ with the way I and millions of people were born, and you have no control of your temper, even though you’re plenty old enough to.”
I gritted my teeth and averted my gaze. “Is that all?”
“There are other things, but I won’t call them out because I’m not cruel and they’re your issues to work through.”
Whatever he was referring to, I didn’t like it. My anger flared all over again, and I wanted to throw something back at him, but I was tired and I knew that it wouldn’t bother him anyway.
“Fuck off, man,” I said quietly before I started to turn around.
He latched onto my bicep and thrust me up against the wall. There was anger on his face, but it didn’t look like he was about to throw a punch or anything. Holding onto my arms, he kept me in place.
“All I asked was for you to be respectful if you were going to stay here. You can’t even manage that. I really don’t know what the hell your problem is.”
“Well, in your mind, it’s because you’re gay, right? I must be a dick because of your sexuality. Everything is always about that, like it’s your whole fucking personality.”
His eyes were wide as he stared at me. I was sort of shocked too. It had just come out like things always did.
That shit sounded like my dad.
“Travis . . .”
He released me and stepped back. After blinking a few times, his expression shifted to anger again.
“I’ve brought it up one time,” he said in a voice that was too controlled. “And it was when we needed to have a conversation about it. But thank you, Roman.Thank youfor doing exactly what you claimed I’m doing. I love being reduced to only my sexuality as if I’m not a human, same as you, with feelings just like yours.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I replied softly.
“Yes, it is, because in your head, you’ve demonized the idea of being gay so aggressively that it’s turned you bitter and cruel. If you don’t deal with that, it’ll just get worse, and everyone deserves better than that.”
“Travis—”
Before I could get the words out, he turned and walked into the house. I wanted to go after him, but I heard his bedroom door close. I stopped in the kitchen and slumped against the counter.
There’d been plenty of times that I’d said fucked up shit, especially as a teenager. I liked to think that I’d gotten better, but what just happened wasn’t better. It wasn’t like I hadn’t said worse to Til, but he didn’t give a shit. Maybe that was why I didn’t stop being an asshole back then. He was never hurt by it, but Travis was, and that left me feeling like an absolute monster.
Maybe I was. If so, it was my own fault. My dad was very anti-gay, but I had every opportunity to choose to be different than him. I’d lived with my mom and went to my dad’s two weekends each monthuntil he moved. Ross had been my pastor, then my stepdad, and I watched him change his views. I lived with Til and Alex for two years. Ezra and I had been hanging out for over a year.
Did I have an issue with gay people? I didn’t really know anymore. I had a problem with myself. That was undeniable.
Another thing I knew was that I didn’t want to be gay. I’d slept with more men than women, and it should’ve disgusted me. It did, but more than anything, it terrified me.
I didn’thaveto be gay. It wasn’t set in stone.
I also didn’t have to dislike gay people or disagree with who they were. This didn’t have to be me. I could change.
After heading to my room, I gathered my stuff and loaded it into my suitcase. I sat on the bed and started looking up hotels. The problem was that I’d only been paid half of the commission fee upfront. Rooms were really expensive in the city, but I’d have to bite the bullet and hope I had enough money to get through the rest of my time here.
There was one more thing I needed to do, even though it felt like the worst idea imaginable. I spent a solid ten minutes trying to talk myself out of it, but it felt like I had to do this in order to make any real changes.
Chapter 16
