Page 30 of Catch Me
“Everything okay?”
“I’m good. What about you?”
“Same. Look, I was wondering if we could talk.”
I shifted on my feet and gripped the strap of my backpack. “About what?”
“Us.”
Looking around, I verified that there was nobody within hearing distance. “There’s no us, remember? Besides, you said you didn’t want to do anything anymore.”
“I said that I want to find something real. But I think about you, you know? And maybe...” He looked down at his feet, which made me want to comfort him, but I didn’t.
“Ezra, I can’t give you anything.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not...” I pursed my lips, feeling uncertain about what I should say. He knew already, but it felt like the words got stuck in my throat.
“You are.”
“I’m not,” I snapped.
He ran his hand through his hair, then looked up at me. There was a deep emotion in his eyes that made me feel sick.
“Okay, maybe we can have something casual.”
I shook my head. “You want something real, and I can’t...You should try to find what you’re looking for, Ezra.”
“But—”
“It’s not me,” I said curtly. “I’m not fucking gay.”
I left him there and rushed to my car. After I closed the door, I leaned my forehead on the steering wheel. My heart raced as if I’d run here.
My phone shook in my hand, but I forced myself to follow through with what I should’ve done two weeks ago when I got back.
Roman:Hey, what’s good?
Irene:Hey??Haven’t heard from you in a minute
Roman:Been busy, you know
Irene:Wanna get together? Some of us are going to a movie later
Roman:Can’t. Was just checking in
I tapped my forehead against the wheel a few times and considered whether I should do it harder. Maybe if I gave myself a concussion, whatever was messed up in my head would fix itself.
An older, angrier part of me wanted to blame Tilian for this. I used to tell myself that he woke it up, but I was the one who came on to him at our parents’ wedding. It wasn’t romantic. We didn’t kiss or anything. I’d never done that. It wasn’t what I wanted. This was just something physical that I needed to somehow purge from my system like a virus.
I pulled up my gallery and navigated to the picture I’d saved a couple weeks ago. Travis was on his deck, just before his LIVE video. The sun shone on his hair and highlighted the colors I’d been having trouble capturing. It was as if he’d known exactly what I needed in order to get the drawing just right.
Roman:Hey
I chewed on my nail after I sent the text. I was just looking for an update. It’d been a week. That was reasonable.
It showed as read, but nothing happened after that.
