Page 157 of Catch Me
“Where else do you want to talk, Roman? A crowded restaurant? My house so that we’ll be around Sen and Kai and someone has to drive you here afterward?”
“Alright, whatever.”
We rode the elevator in awkward silence. I was so lost inside my head that the ding before the doors opened made me suck in a breath. Travis exited first, and again, I followed. I hated every second of the walk to my room, and by the time we got there, I still had no idea what to say.
Ten months ago, I had speeches planned out in my head. Apologies and explanations. I just didn’t see the point now, but he was right. He deserved it, even if I knew it wasn’t going to fix anything. It wasn’t about having him back. It was about growth and being the person I’d been building bit by bit for the past year.
I tossed my room key on the table, then sat in the chair. With my elbows on the surface, I used the heels of my hands to scrub my eyes. I heard Travis sit in the chair across from me, so I looked at him. He was blank, no longer buzzing with annoyance and intensity.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I admitted. “That day, when I—”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“But you wanted us to talk.”
“The explanation really doesn’t matter. I just...” He shook his head. “I just want to enjoy this week and not have all of this tension. You’re here, and I’m fine with that, but we have to set some boundaries or something. Anything to keep it from feeling like it did in that room.”
I looked down at my hands. “I didn’t think it would be this hard.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was fine, dealing with my shit and figuring it out. When I came out, I decided I was going to live in the present, not the past.”
“You came out?” I met his eyes and nodded. His nostrils flared, and he looked to the side. “That’s good.”
“Mostly,” I said quickly. “It’s kind of complicated, but I’m getting there and I keep going forward, not back. That’s what’s important, I think.”
“Can we be civil or do we need to just avoid each other?”
I pushed down my anger the best I could. His dismissiveness felt wrong, but I couldn’t expect anything else. The fact that he wanted to talk at all was more than I’d expected. It made me want more, though.
“That morning, I got a text and it sent me into a panic. Then, at my mom’s place, shit happened that fucked me up, and I couldn’t get my thoughts straight right away.”
“I don’t want to know,” he said firmly.
“But—”
“I asked if we could be civil. It’s a yes or no question.”
“Travis,” I sighed.
“Yes or no?”
“I promised I would talk to you if I was freaking out, but I—” He got to his feet, so I moved in front of him. “But I didn’t think, okay? That’s the thing about panic, you know. It wasn’t rational. And when you texted me, I—”
“I don’t care.”
“Stop interrupting me!” I took a breath and balled my shaking hands into fists.
“It’s the past, and talking about it won’t change anything.”
“Just—”
“What’s the point, Roman? Sometimes, sex makes you think things can happen, when they’re really not a good idea. You got attached because I was the first guy you’d been with while not denying you were gay. And I thought I could save you. We weren’t thinking clearly.”
“You were so upset after.”
“I get attached. It’s happened with a lot of people, which is why I don’t date.”
