Page 137 of Catch Me
“He gave you a time limit,” Kai noted. He had his hands folded and perched on his knee, which made him look like a shrink. The ring on his finger stood out, and it was more badass in person. “And you’re past that time limit. Now what?”
“I was in a bad place after my dad texted me. Things felt like they were collapsing in my mind, burying me under all these years that I’ve been angry and confused. I convinced myself that he deserves better than me because I didn’t believe that I’d ever come out.”
“He does deserve better,” Brooks muttered.
Sen shot him a withering glare. “Do you believe you’ll come out now?”
I took a sip of the new drink someone passed me. “I believe that I’ll get there. I believe that having a chance to be with Travis is worth it. I believe that, even though we only spent three weeks together, there’s something between us that’s strong enough to make me brave. And I believe that, whether or not it works out between us, I deserve to be able to live freely someday.”
“Say that he doesn’t want to do this anymore. What happens then?”
“I have no idea.”
Sen nodded as he chewed on his lip. “I understand the way it feels when somebody finally sees you. It does make you brave, and suddenly, you start to feel hopeful because they make you believe that your future can be happy. But I didn’t find the courage to come out until I accepted that it was also for me, not just for Kai. That’s a big piece of it.”
“It’s for me too,” I said. “But I guess he woke it up. I think it’ll take longer for me to really accept myself if I don’t have him, but I still want to do it regardless.”
“Would you fight for him?” Linc asked.
He’d never said anything directly to me, so I was a little shocked.
“I mean, yeah, but if he said he didn’t want to be with me, then I’d have to let him go.”
“Maybe,” Sen mused. “The thing is, you broke his trust. He wasn’t in conversion for very long, but I’ll tell you one thing about it that doesn’t go away—not being able to trust people. His dad put him in there, and even though he pulled him out, that creates a wound. Part of the reason I feel safe with Kai is that he’s never lied to me. When he made me promises, he kept them, even when he had every right to walk away because I’d asked him for too much. He stayed, and I stayed, because he’s my safety. You didn’t keep your promise after Travis offered you that same safety. Why should he trust you now?”
“He shouldn’t.”
Til sighed. “There were times when I didn’t think I’d be able to keep trusting Brooks. He made it really fucking hard.” Brooks jabbed him in the ribs, but he kept going. “It took a while, but he did come through for me, and now, he’s never made me question him again. Travis has no obligation to trust you or give you any chances. Of all the people in the world, he is a good, genuine person. I do think you could be really good for each other, but you have to be willing to change, Roman. You have to let yourself be vulnerable and do all of these things you’ve never allowed before. If you can do that, I think that you should talk to him.”
“But I’m not there yet.”
“So? He knew that when he slept with you, and he was willing to figure it out. That’s why you were supposed to tell him what was happening in your head, no matter what it was. This is going to be a long journey for you, and you’re gonna have to deal with the thing that made you run in the first place—your dad.”
The idea made me look at my hands. “Yeah, I know.”
“I’m the expert in daddy issues,” West announced. He dropped onto the couch incredibly close to me. “Tell me, has your dad ever punched you in the face so hard that you were scared to go to sleep because you might not wake up?”
“Um, no.”
“Oh.”
“I think the issues with his dad are a lot more like mine than yours,” Sen pointed out. “The difference between us is that I denied who Iwas for so long because my parents didn’t want me to be gay. You denied who you are becauseyoudidn’t want to be gay. If you’re ready to accept it, send a text to Travis right now, and if he’s willing to talk, you need to call him. In the meantime, we’re gonna keep talking. Hopefully, we’ll get some shit figured out before we get sloshed.”
Roman:Hey
My eyes burned as I stared down at that message. The words became blurry and my chest split open. It was humiliating, but when Til put his arms around me, I felt all of my buried truths finally spill out of the cracks that had been forming since I met Travis.
I’d never forgive myself for what I’d done that morning. I hoped that he could, but there was a part of me that wondered if he shouldn’t. Travis was good—too good for this world, and especially too good for me.
But I’d fight for this until the last of my hope dwindled. I’d fight for him, even though we’d barely had any time together. Even though we didn’t know enough about each other. Even though I was just me.
Chapter 42
Travis
Roman:Hey
Promises were a cold kiss of steel against your throat, the greatest threat someone could offer. I opened my heart to someone who wasn’t ready to accept it. That was my fault. It had been too early, too soon to ask for promises and commitments.
