Page 132 of Catch Me
I pulled out my phone and looked at the texts from Travis. He hadn’t sent any since yesterday morning. I wanted to listen to his voicemail again, but what I heard in his voice hurt.
The missed calls from Leo were like flashing red lights, alerting me to the danger I’d awoken through my own stupidity. If my head hadn’t been so off from the phone call with my dad, I would’ve checked who that text was from before responding. Instead, I told eleven of the most toxic, homophobic guys on campus that I’d been fucking Ezra.
The jokes they’d made before I deleted myself from the group chat... the names... the shame... even a couple threats, although they passed them off as humor.
Maybe it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal on its own. It wasn’t like I wanted to hang out with those assholes anymore. It just felt like the beginning of a larger problem, though. It made everything real and reminded me that I wasn’t the person I’d convinced Travis I was. I was a coward, scared like a little fucking boy.
I navigated to another message, the one my dad sent while I’d silently packed my shit at Travis’ house. Even if I could’ve talked myself out of leaving before that, his words had been the metaphorical other shoe, and coupled with what he’d said on the phone that same night, I just couldn’t pull myself out of the spiral.
Dad:You sure you don’t wanna come here for Christmas? We want to hear what you’ve been up to and it’d be good for you to be around other people. You can come to the shop and see how you feel about it now that you’re almost done with school. Let me know and I’ll get you a flight. I’m proud of you, Rome, and I just don’t want my kid stuck around that disgusting lifestyle. I can hear how that family’s changed you. I worry about you.
I had to get this shit together, but I didn’t know how. He wasdisgustedby Ross’ family. Would he be disgusted by me?
Of course he would. He was already disappointed and trying to pull me away from what he considered a bad influence—my own fucking mom.
Maybe I should’ve cared less about it, but regardless of the issues we had, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my dad entirely.
That was the entire problem. I couldn’t trust myself to ever live openly. It was cowardly, but it was the truth, and it had become painfully clear after I outed myself. There was no way I could tell people my secret, and it was possible that would never change.
In Georgia, in that house with Travis, I thought I could do it. I was in this bubble where I felt safe, but I’d been naïve to think that it would somehow change everything after I left. I’d been a coward since I first found myself attracted to a boy, and I was still a coward at twenty-two.
“Doesn’t matter where you are or what’s going on. I’ll be there.”
Travis was brave, and he needed someone who was the same way. I didn’t want to make decisions for him, but he was too fucking nice. He would sacrifice way too much and he’d keep believing in me, even when I failed him, which was inevitable.
Like he said, he was out—loud and proud. But I couldn’t be. Some texts and a phone call reminded me of that.
Maybe someday, but not right now. I wasn’t what Travis needed, so I had to make the decision because I knew that he wouldn’t.
I dropped my face into my hands and thought about how he looked when he was asleep. Drawing it had come to mind, but that felt like torturing myself. I’d studied his face so intently while we had sex, and I couldn’t bring myself to draw that either.
I heard the door open, then soft footsteps approached. Blinking a few times, I lifted my head.
“Hey,” Til said.
“What do you want?”
“To figure out what happened.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“A few weeks ago, you wanted to find yourself. We moved past everything. Now, we’re back to this.”
“I found myself. This is who I am.”
“Have you accepted it?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “There’s nothing to accept. A heart-to-heart isn’t on my Christmas agenda, so go back to your boyfriend.”
“Jesus, Roman. Stop being so angry.”
“Fuck off.”
He huffed but came closer. “Travis asked me about you.”
My nostrils flared and I had to look away from him. When I didn’t respond, he sat beside me.
“He sounded worried.”
