Page 69 of Catch Me
He took off the hat, then untied his hair. I came up to him and lifted my hand. After he nodded, I started messing with it until it looked the way I wanted it.
“You Native?” he asked.
I nodded. “Half. My mom is Niitsitapi. You?”
“I’m indigenous, yeah, but I was adopted. Don’t know who I’m descended from.”
“If you care enough, you could do one of those DNA tests. It might not identify which tribe, but maybe it’ll find someone you’re related to who took the test.”
“I hadn’t thought of it. That’s a good idea.”
“It’s cool to know. I’m not affiliated or anything, but knowing where we come from gives us the chance to learn about the culture of our ancestors if we want to.”
“You’re cool, Roman. When Luis said you were a dick, I was a little worried.”
I laughed and stepped back. “He’s the one who missed his time slot. Pete moved him to the last day.”
“Serves him right. He keeps his shit together during the season, but otherwise, he’s a bit of a mess.”
“He’s not an alcoholic, then?”
“Nah, he’s fine staying sober when he has to. Being away from home so much is better for him.”
“Bad home life?”
“Yeah, he got a girl pregnant a few years ago. A couple of us told him to co-parent, not to get married just because she was having his kid, but he thought it was the right thing to do, I guess. Now, they’re both miserable, but they worry that divorcing will hurt their son too much.”
“Take it from me. Kids aren’t dumb. They can see and feel the things their parents are trying to hide. It’s better for them to end it now so they can both give their son the best parts of themselves. That means more than having parents that are married.”
“Personal experience?”
“Parents divorced when I was thirteen.”
He looked saddened by that, but I never had been. Seeing my parents together was depressing back then, and it was worse because they’d tried to act like things were fine. It made me angry, and I’d wanted to tell them to just give up already, but they eventually made that decision on their own.
My dad treated my mom like shit. He never hit her as far as I knew, but he didn’t meet any of her emotional needs and he was selfish. He always had been. Even though we had a relationship, I’d always been more attached to my mom. She was a good person and did her best.
After they split up, I’d expected to feel less angry, but it just never went away. I was cynical, always expecting things to go badly and seeing the worst in the world. My mom’s best friend, Victoria, was supportive, but Victoria was Til’s mom, and for some reason, after Alex told them he wasn’t a girl at five years old, she left.
I remembered seeing them at church afterward. Tilian would never let anyone see how it affected him because he cared more about making sure his siblings were okay, but at the time, there was anger in him too. I would have tried to talk to him and connect through our experiences if my dad didn’t deter me. He was disgusted by the fact that he was gay, so I stayed away, worried that he’d be angry at me if I was his friend.
Tilian was the entire reason his dad changed his views. Since Ross was the pastor, he made it clear to the congregation that he supported both his sons and wouldn’t tolerate any slander against gay or trans people. My dad left the church immediately and ended up moving to Idaho, as if cutting that tie was the only thing he needed to search for a new life—without me.
And I blamed Ross. I blamed Tilian and Alex. From that day on, I let my anger grow.
It wasn’t until recently that it struck me: I’d turned out too much like my dad. Anger rotted my soul and made me bloodthirsty. I attacked them and saw it as recompense for taking my dad from me.
Why had I held onto that for so long? I knew who my dad was now. The exact things I said to Til and Alex over the years were what he’d say to me if he knew what I’d done—whoI’d done it with. It never affected Til, but I saw the way it hurt Alex, and I didn’t want to feel that way.
I couldn’t ever let my dad find out. It terrified me that I might not be able to stop these feelings forever, but regardless of where I ended up, I’d have to hide it from him.
That thought made me remember Sen’s story. Our experiences were completely different, but through all of the pain that was evident on his face, there was something else. It had become more obvious as he got to the part where he met Kai. It looked like freedom.
Good for him. I’d never get there. All of them tried to claim that it would be hard, but it was worth it when you accepted who you were. I just couldn’t see it. He had Kai, and he even admitted that he probably wouldn’t have come out if he didn’t.
He also said that he always knew he was gay, even when he suppressed it. As nauseous as it made me to think about, I guess I could relate to that too.
But I didn’t have a Kai. There was no friend group who would be more like family to me. Nobody would go to bat for me or hold me together when all of my fabricated realities came crashing down.
