Page 104 of Catch Me
“No.” I pressed my lips together, trying to push away the automatic reaction. “I mean...”
“Listen to that part of you that you just felt. Use it to find yourself. You deserve it.” He started walking again, but not in the direction of the house.
I was back on the idea of leaving. After that, I couldn’t imagine staying. At the same time, I wanted to, even though it was pointless. We wouldn’t be hanging out or laughing about our swim in the cold.
I needed to warm up, then I’d figure it out. Pushing my fraught emotions away, I reached for the familiarity of my anger, but even that was weak.
I was weak.
Chapter 32
Travis
It was afternoon when I got back to the house. Even though I’d changed into dry clothes, I was freezing, but my head hadn’t been in the right place for me to go home right away. It didn’t really feel like it was now either. My knuckles hurt from hitting a tree, which was a stupid thing to do and didn’t make me feel any better.
As I walked inside, I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be a mess today.
Roman’s door was closed, and I didn’t feel like checking to see if he’d left, so I took a shower instead. I’d spent the last few hours convincing myself to stand by what I’d told him. It was probably best if he’d gone home.
I wanted to help him, but I didn’t know how. He’d been repressed for a long time, but he hadn’t been through conversion like Sen. Did that make the whole thing easier? I had no clue.
All I knew was that I’d wanted to keep kissing him. I wanted to do it again, to tear down that barrier he clung to, just like I had in the woods. He’d discarded it immediately, and for a second, it felt like he was mine.
It was complicated, though. For one, he lived in Chicago. Two, I didn’t know what he wanted from me.
There was the repression, which was a beast all its own. Part of me didn’t believe that he would come out, which was why he needed someone who could actually help him with that.Ifhe actually felt something for me, it would be a bad idea for him to pursue it. I was openly gay and in the public eye. That was a horrible place for someone who was hiding their sexuality. There were too many ways he could be outed.
I shouldn’t even be thinking about it. It was just a kiss.
After I dried off, I changed into basketball shorts and a t-shirt, then headed into the kitchen. I knew that I was hungry, but I didn’t feel like eating, so I just made myself some tea. I paused when I saw Roman’s tablet on the island. He wouldn’t have forgotten it, so he must’ve still been here.
My eyes shifted to the hallway, but I forced myself not to check on him. It wouldn’t do either of us any good.
I thought about all of those drawings. He said I was a good subject, but now I realized there was more to it. He’d been drawing me for almost as long as he’d been here. Even when he was working on the illustration to showcase the direction of the project, he said that he couldn’t get something right with my picture. He was never satisfied with the way he drew my eyes.
Taking a seat at the island, I turned on the tablet and typed in his passcode. I’d seen him use it enough times by now.
My eyes widened when I saw that he’d started more of them. Jesus, there were dozens of me.
Why did I have some sort of effect on him, strong enough that he was trying to change after all this time? He said I was nice, but plenty of people were nice. It wasn’t a big enough reason to feel whatever it was that he was feeling.
In the newest one, I was lying on my side, facing him. It was from the tent on Sunday when we woke up and stared at each other. I was still blown away by the way he captured things. He saw so much, searched for the beauty in what was around him. I wished he would find it within himself.
He’d written a note on the sketch. A question.
Will I ever find what’s in your eyes?
Threading my fingers together, I leaned my forehead on them.
What did he see in my eyes that he couldn’t recreate? Maybe it was his imagination. Had anyone else seen something in my eyes? What was he fucking looking for?
Scooting the stool back, I got to my feet. Tessa lifted her head from the couch and watched me without getting up.
I should’ve knocked, but I didn’t. I shouldn’t have walked over to the bed, but I did.
“Are you awake?” I asked.
Without a word, he turned over to lie on his other side and looked at me.
