Page 69 of Totally Played
“What if I have messed everything up already?” I ask, and he glances past me, the smirk on his lips growing.
“I don’t think you have to worry about that,” he says and nods to someone behind me. I turn, and at first, I’m not sure exactly if I’m seeing things. But there is Ash, standing with a suitcase in hand, and a big nervous smile on his lips.
No way is this happening. No way did Ash fly halfway across the country for me. This is the stuff that only happens in movies, not to real people. Did I fall asleep on the bus?
Tony gets in my ear.
“Go get your man,” he whispers, and my heart is hammering in my chest as I walk toward him.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, and he glances around like he’s not sure if he can talk freely, like he’s worried about people watching us.
“I didn’t like how we left things, so I thought we could go to dinner and talk about it,” he says, and I glance over my shoulder at Tony, who’s waiting by the hotel doors.
“You go. I’ll order room service and see you after,” he says, stepping forward and reaching for Ash’s suitcase.
“I’ll take this, too, room three-two-seven, when you’re done.”
“Thanks,” Ash says, handing it over. “I made a reservation just down the road.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, you didn’t think I would just show up here without a plan, did you?” He laughs, and we walk along the path together,the tiny lights of the city across the bay twinkling in the distance brighter than the stars above us, but not as pretty. The air is cooler than back in Savannah, but not so cold that I need a jacket, and I’m really glad Ash isn’t wearing his. He is, however, wearing a midnight blue corset with a black button-up shirt, and it’s hugging him tightly in all the right places.
“I guess I didn’t know what to think. That’s the problem,” I say, my heart racing like a jackhammer.
“About me?”
Wait, no, he doesn’t think that, does he?
“No, about me. About what this…being with you means about me?”
“I would love to think it means you have stunning taste in men.” He chuckles, and I can’t help but smile. I hate that he thinks I was second-guessing him, what we had together, the night we just shared. All of that was incredible. Perfect, even. It was the way I saw myself that changed. I didn’t recognize the man who looked back at me in the mirror, and I felt like I needed to know who I was if what I have with Ash was going to last, and fuck, I wanted it to last.
“Up until you, I thought I had pretty good taste with women, too,” I reasoned.
“And you’re worried you don’t know who you are anymore?”
I stop walking, and he turns to face me.
“That’s exactly it. It’s silly, I know—”
“No, it’s not. It’s completely normal to be confused when you’ve never questioned your sexuality before. I get that,” he replies, leading me over to a lush grassy hill and sitting down. I sit beside him, and he lies back, propping his head on his hands.
“Believe it or not, I wasn’t always this sure of myself.”
“Really?” I ask, lying on the grass beside him and looking up at the glittery sky. His musky scent sweeps over me on the coolbreeze, and I take a deep breath of him, letting it fill me in hopes it helps to settle the nervous churn in my gut.
“Yeah, I mean, there was a time, in high school, I wasn’t sure about myself. I don’t think I really came to the conclusion that I was actually gay until college.”
“But you did come to that conclusion. What if I never know where I fit?”
He tilts my chin to look at him.
“You fit right here,” he says, laying a hand over his heart, and my chest swells.
Is he right? Does it matter if I don’t know what label defines me if I know that being with him is what feels right? Maybe I don’t need to worry about what label to give myself, or if there even is one that feels like it fits me, all that matters is how I feel about him, and I can’t imagine ever wanting to lose this.
He rolls back, and we lie there watching the stars. He points up at a section of sky.
