Page 49 of Otter Heart
There was a sniffle and a very audible gulp before Adam replied.
“I… I understand.”
I let out a long, low sigh. “Thank you, Adam.”
“No problem.”
His tone was cold, but I let it slide. I knew this talk wasn’t going to be an easy one. And I’d snapped too, which I wasn’t proud of. So, I said the first thing I could think of to try to make it more palatable.
“Hey, maybe the next guy you find will really be into that though,” I added, trying to smile. “Lots of guys love to be taken care of.”
“Yeah. Of course.”
Then the bags began to rustle again.
Chapter Twenty-One: Adam
Well, I was fucking everything up again just like I always did. After my last date with Mateo, I was fairly sure the dude hated me. Or at least he wanted me to back the fuck off.
He wasn’tmeanto me exactly, but he’d definitely made himself known. And I felt hurt because of it, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Iwantedto do things for him. Not just because it seemed like it made his life easier, but because it was how I could show him I cared. The sex was great, and I was more than happy to give that to him, but making his life comfortable and easy made me feel good too.
So, I felt like my needs were being ignored to preserve his independence.
I probably should’ve talked to him about it, but it was too scary if I was being honest. Whenever a guy wanted to talk to me seriously about something, it meant he was breaking up with me. That’s just how things went. So, I was doing everything I could to avoid such a conversation with Mateo.
Unfortunately, avoiding him didn’t make the guilt go away. This man, whom I adored more than anyone I had in a long time, was clearly upset with me. That meant I’d done something wrong. And while I hadn’t said much at the time, I felt like I owedhim another apology. It felt as if everything I’d worked so hard for with him was dangling by a thread and I wasn’t ready to let go of it just yet.
I’d waited the entire night to talk to him. But I couldn’t stand to wait another moment. Taking out my phone, I pulled up our text conversation and started to type.
Me: Hey. Sorry if this seems out of the blue, but I wanted to apologize to you for last night. I didn’t realize I was stepping on your toes so much.
Mateo: Don’t apologize.
It was a short answer, but I still felt hopeful. I began to type back until another message came through that caught me off guard.
Mateo: I wasn’t trying to be hard on you. But I know you want the practice of being open and honest, so I figured I should be the same back. Your future relationships will probably have a little bit of conflict in them, so best to learn how to deal with it now, right?
My hopes were dashed as I read his message for the second and third time just to make sure I was understanding it. It seemed Mateo had norealinterest in me. Everything he did was for the benefit of my future relationships. If he wanted one with me, wouldn’t he just say something?
A cold tightness gripped my chest and my breath caught in my throat. I’d been really fucking stupid, hadn’t I? All this time I’d been pretending that something was going to come out of thisfakerelationship thatI’dstarted. But the truth was, we set the rules up front, and we both agreed to them. Out of the pair of us, I was the only one trying to break them. Mateo, dutifully and for my own benefit, had followed the terms of our agreement.
Heat flushed to my cheeks and my eyes burned as I realized how much of a fucking idiot I was. Why had I let myself get my hopes up about something that could never be? It turned out that in the end, Mateo wasn’t nearly as blind as I was. Likealways, I couldn’t see anything beyond my own wants.
With numb fingers, I typed my response.
Me: Right.
Mateo: Do you want to hang out again tonight?
Me: I was gonna take a night to myself if that’s okay. Just tired.
Mateo: No problem, baby. Enjoy your night!
Me: Thanks.
I tossed my phone to the side, falling back on the couch with my arm draped over my eyes like the dramaticstupidbitch I was. My eyes stung as I tried to force back the tears. But no matter what I did, they came anyway.
I’d only been lying there a minute or so when my phone rang, buzzing loudly against the table as the music filled the air. Glancing over I saw the name on the screen.Mom.
