Page 37 of Otter Heart
I just smiled. “Whatever you say, boss.”
We put our plates together and ate mostly in silence, only exchanging a few words here and there. For some reason it seemed that I’d embarrassed Adam in some way. He’d done such a great job of describing the scene to me that I felt like I actuallysawthe sunset for the first time in over a decade. It was something to praise, right? But why was he being so shy about it?
Eventually I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I had to say something.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel weird about the sunset,” I said, taking a bite of my burger and handing the last couple of bites to Bessie. “But you really did do a good job. I appreciate it. Not many people take the time to do that for me when I ask.”
“What do they do?”
“They just say something about it being yellow and that’s pretty much it. I never get anyrealdetails.”
“Huh.” He was quiet for a moment. “I guess I was just trying to give you what you’d asked for. It’s not a big deal.”
“Why’s that compliment so hard to swallow?” I asked, pushing harder. “And be honest with me.”
“I…” His voice faltered. “I haven’t really thought about it that much. But the first thing that comes to mind is really sad.”
“Tell me about it.”
I could almost hear his eyebrows raise. “You sure about that?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I want to know about you. And you need to open up more. We’ve pretty much already gone to third base at this point, I should at least have a little bit of dirt on you.”
He let out a big sigh and slid his plate away. “Well, I’ll keep it short because I don’t want to relive all of it.”
“That’s fair.”
“When I was growing up, I could do no wrong in my parent’s eyes, especially my dad. It didn’t matter if I got a C in a class, an A, or got caught writing on the bathroom wall. He was always proud of me. And he was especially proud when I tried out for baseball and when I hit my first home run. Everyone he met he had to talk their ear off about how I was the perfect son. I got used to those compliments and even believed quite a few of them. After all, why would my dad lie about being so impressed with me?”
He shifted uncomfortably and I knew the other shoe was about to drop. Already I felt this deepening sense of pity. I already knew what was coming before he said it.
“And then, when I was sixteen, I came out to him and mom one night.” His voice hitched. “I didn’t even worry about it either. Most guys agonize about what their parents are gonna say and how they’ll react. But I knew my parents loved me more than anything. I could do no wrong in their eyes. I was in the safest, most accepting place I could ever be.” He took a long pause. “Dad told me to pack my bags that night.”
My hands went to my lips and my heart skipped a beat. Anger rushed through my chest, and I wanted to say a thousand things, but I forced them all back.
“I went to my room to do just that when I heard them start yelling at one another downstairs. I sat on my bed for an hour listening to them screaming. It wasn’t until I heard adoor slam that the house finally went quiet. That’s when Mom came up to my room and started putting my half-packed bag away. And then she told me that she was getting a divorce and that Dad was moving out.” He took another shaky breath, his voice cracking. “I don’t think I’ve believed a compliment since. Because if my dad, the person who I thought loved me most in the world, had been lying about loving me, then everything else he told me must have also been a lie. That meant I wasn’t good at anything or special in any way like I thought. I… I think it sort of shattered my world.”
I could hear the shaking breath he was trying to hold back. Without a second thought, I leaned forward and threw my arms around his neck, pulling him in close. It wasn’t until his hot tears soaked through my shirt that I knew he was crying.
“Oh baby,” I cooed, petting the back of his head. “I’m so sorry.”
His breath hitched as he tried to keep it together, but that only made the tears flow faster. I wanted to fix it, to kiss all his pain away and make him forget about everything that had ever hurt him. But I knew from personal experience that no amount of sex, love, or even drugs would ever erase those memories completely. They would always be there whether we wanted them or not. That’s just how life worked even if it was unfair.
Still, I had to try.
“Now you listen to me,” I said, still holding him tight. “Just because your dad is an idiot doesn’t mean you’re worthless or that you’re undeserving of compliments. I may not have known you very long, but even I can see how special you are.” I leaned back, holding him by the shoulders. “When I called you for help during that storm, you showed up without question. You went out in absolutely terrible weather, risking your own safety to help me find my dog. That is generosity beyond measure. If that doesn’t make you special and deserving of love, I don’t know what would.”
“But…” he sniffled. “None of this means anything. You and I are just friends… None of this is real.”
My heart leaped at the chance to say something. But I clamped my lips shut, clenching my teeth in the process. Just because I was feeling something for him didn’t mean I needed to say it. Right now, he was in crisis and the last thing he needed was the added stress of me telling him that I wanted our fake relationship to be something more. He’d made it clear that’snotwhat he wanted. Being open with me was doing enough damage already, I didn’t need to complicate things further by letting my own selfish feelings get in the way.
“You’re right,” I said. “Iamyour friend. And I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” I leaned close, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “You did really well tonight opening up and sharing that difficult topic with me. I’mreallyproud of you, baby.”
His voice hitched again, and I knew the tears were flowing.
“It’s okay,” I said, hugging him again. “If you need some time alone, just tell me. I won’t deny you that after I sort of ruined our date by pushing you too far.”
“Y-You didn’t r-ruin it,” he sniffled. “I’m glad you’re here.”
